Today I had a biopsy done and I was scared of a little numbing and scraping but these days the fear button is in the o.n. position. Plus going to another doctor and adding up all the not-so-wonderful experiences with doc offices from long inconsiderate waits (hey I need a lunch hour too over here forgotten in the waiting room) to being told by staff they are too busy to do something I need. I was getting sorta jaded with the whole system and situation really. It seems like no one is really seeing me as an individual person who has feelings and I am just a patient or a member number or a prescription number. The number thing really gets to me something awful. Is it really all that efficient to have me be a number rather than a name? And if it is then is it worth the cost. Yes there is a cost I believe and not just in that it irritates me (so many things do these days) because when I am a number I am not a person with a face anymore-I am just not a real person at all--I am just that vague shapeless patient-thing who has been falling through one crack after another

Today I met a nurse who is a true healer and she healed my battered psyche and soul today with empathy and compassion. i hate to say that I have not found much compassion in the medical arena except from a rare few good souls. Maybe I have a sour worldview now since my horrendous experiences from suffering at the hands of incompetent unsympathetic people drawing blood, processing referrals, taking tests, processing, filling, nursing or treating me. it can be disheartening and I start thinking is it ME and how is this impacting patients who are constantly having to advocate for themselves to get anything done at all and are other people having to complain to get someone to do the job they are just supposed to do and that is needed?Do they really expect me to be sympathetic that they have a million patients and no one to help them do this or that (and yes this was mentioned to me once) or am I just a heartless diva for not caring a hoot about what they need and it is all about me? So back to today then already when a kind nurse called me back to the room and then she cheerfully listened and then shared her story with me about her own struggles which always makes someone more real and human and so then came the doc saying time for a biopsy with a numb up happening. I am diabetic so did I really start fussing inside about a needle, well yes I sure did. The nurse came in caring the needle and I felt the blood drain out of my face and I thought I would faint.But then she started singing. She was getting all set up and kept on singing and then she explained stuff and thanked me for compliments and then she just sang away while she numbed me up. She comforted and encouraged me so when the doc came in I was ready And she was there finishing it up and then she wheeled me out the doc office into the hallway to the elevator and into the elevator all the while telling me her name again and assuring me that everything comes by her desk so she will follow up with stuff for me and really she was so kind and I felt safe with her in a way I don't usually feel with professionals. I believed her. Maybe it was the way she talked to me like I was real and she was real, or maybe it was how she listened and at the same time challenged my fears, or maybe it was just her singing and how it acknowledged my fear and accepted it and wanted to calm it. And her presence influenced the doctor who can be rather dismissing in his busy world and even he was reassuring and forthright at the same time. When she leaned down to put on my shoe which had fallen off I thought of the bible story or foot washing and realized I had been given the gift of some TLC today from someone so wise and humble that I want to honor her and it won't be known in this life but it will for eternity although I did tell the doc he had a jewel and he said he knows it but I hope he does.

I see how exhausting it can be to take care of someone and I have to say that I didn't mind she started to share the burdens she carries. In fact I felt honored she talked to me and shared. Did she know I could care and feel for her and be glad for a minute to think of something else besides my own pain and worries and griefs. She didn't expect me to be strong. Whhewwwww whatta relief cuz being superhuman is exhausting. That little humming and then some singing transported me into a church or a choir or some show in a theater and just a little daydreaming there too but it was as if she shouted from a theater into the dark that it was alright to be afraid and that the secret was safe with her and that it would be alright no matter what happened because the singing would go on and the love goes on because someone cares and someone heard me whisper I am lost in here and take care of me please but don't turn on the lights to expose me.

Just a little TLC makes all the difference and it can heal some of those biggies being dragged around for years. I feel lighter today.