Dear Blog,

I went to physical therapy today and the wheelchair van came to pick me up this time and it was a wake up call that hey what am I doing in this thing and not driving or simply a passenger who happens to have a wheelchair in the trunk. I have being a burden to anyone and I have intruded on the lives of others so much lately that I do know now who loves me and who doesn't. I like to hold onto a bit of mystery about how I spend my time so I like to call in to have a pick up once in a while. But since I can't travel alone or be alone at all anymore I am suffering something the opposite of loneliness that doesn't have a word for it but iti is total lack of independence and the feeling that I have no space yet I am vulnerable and dependent at the same time wanting some freedom. It isn't possible when I am so physically limited due to these new challenges. I can see on their faces they are drained and also discouraged that I am not making better progress. They too wonder how much longer and what to do if this lasts forever. The smiles are not so frequent and genuine. No one wants to say NO but then again it is easier to just be invisible. Where is so and so because I need a ride or I need need need. I am fed up with feeling like i need to apologize but then again I am the intruder as a person who actually takes up someone who says if there is anything I can do and how dare I do that, It isn't done in society. So there I was sitting in a transport van all cozy. I still don't have the door to door service because the pcp is mia when it comes to doing any referral or paperwork or just anything except waltz in the room and chat for 10 minutes interlaced with interruptions from the nurse regarding other patients who may actually be getting their needs met during my time perhaps but most likely when they are in a room some nurse is interrupting the doc with one of my needs. I wonder if much gets done there. This is my second pcp. I wonder if I need to keep kissing frogs. So I go to PT and she sits next to me and fills out the paperwork I need to get inhome help and community access through a little shuttle. She gave me the gift of some possible independence and at this point is as good as working on my body.

My days are full of trying to fix pharmacy problems, (cmon a preauth for a refill really omg), and other insurance caused nightmares of referrals and preauths and having to referee fax fights of who sent this or that already while nothing I need gets done. I try to be a honeybee type not spouting vinegar but I am mostly so fed up and at my wits end and having some emotion regulation difficulties that I am crying yes even in public or over the phone. In my real life I would never cry because the prescription was not ready and I would know just what to say to get what I need. Now I find that I am a hotmess and all this time I was judging myself and then I noticed that hey it was getting better and I was making some snide remarks mixed in with some humor and making it clear what I need and what I would do if I didn't get it (threats to go to the emergency room resulted in a prescription being authorized within the hour) but then I realized that in my old real life I never dealt with such a broken down system that lacks compassion for anyone not the clients and not the employees. I weep for us all. ok not the ones not fixing the fax machines. well maybe I have worked with broken systems but this is a big mess on a daily basis and I am going to need a psych eval soon or a nice padded room. How is this helping stroke recovery? My blood pressure is higher now than when we started. My life is so much more stressful than it used to be. I want to be enjoying some rehab here folks. I only get once per week because they are full. I can't accept that they don't give me what I need because of taking care of what they need but I must no choice here. Ok so can I go someplace else HA that would take starting over with paperwork and I already made that mistake once and it isn't one you make twice. In this land you don't want to reset paperwork or authorizations. I want to sit around sipping tea and only think about butterflies and waterfalls and I have to constantly run interference and be my own advocate. And I am drugged up people. Then the people causing me grief ask if I have someone to help me so that they can spread the grief to another unsuspecting soul. I hate to brag but drugged or not I am not the type to choose peace over perfection and that is probably how I got in this mess to begin. All I know is that this is unacceptable to have so many problems related to getting what I need for my health and don't forget they told me I did this to myself to begin with so all I am trying to do is take care of my health here.

I don't know how to choose peace over perfection. I want it done right and I want it done now. Some things need to be. On the other hand I need to walk away and let things go. These are not health things though. I need those meds and therapy so that I have to stick around for but for other things I can walk away from it. I have no time for arguing over anything and I have no strength. I am really of the opinion that if someone has some strong feelings then they can take it to the couch because I am not interested in rehashing things someone should have outgrown or discarded and there are people paid quite well for listening to that stuff. I have to let it go that sometimes the floor will need to be vacuumed and the dishwasher needs unloading and that my beloved plants are dying because others are trying to live their lives and pieces of mine and are dong the best they can. But don't use me as an excuse not to do what you need to be. I want to be able to sit and just enjoy doing nothing but I am not wired that way. Even when I can't walk across the room without help I am still not relaxing with doing nothing. LOL.

The kids put up the Halloween lights indoors and out and some decorations. I have hello kitty halloween decorations. I am a big fan. I adore any kind of twinkling lights for any occasion and so I am all enjoying the lights. I sat silent and didn't say do this and do that well not very much. I am proud of them and how they carry on things now. I have to choose peace over perfection in all things. It is so against my grain to be sitting on the sidelines but maybe it just isn't my turn anymore. I have to do the things I still can do and not minimize their importance to myself. I am so self critical. My new motto is self compassion. This isn't how I imagined my year or my month here. I had a different plan and let me tell you I do not like it when my planner gets messed up but that is why that fancy eraser tape is so nice because in my world nothing goes as planned. I am always saying of course this or that is not happening the way I wanted, and I am flexible usually but not for this. I am really ticked off about it this time. This is not a rainy Hawaiian vacation here this is my real life taken away and a hoax of a life from the sidelines, from the couch or a wheelchair. I want a real life and i want to get what I had if not all then some and I want some future. In reality I am glad to be alive for this moment and ashamed I want so much yet angry that I have been robbed. My catholic upbringing to be guilty lol. But the lights are so beautiful and twinkly and I am happy to choose peace over perfection at the end of the day because sometimes it is exhausting to want more and other times it is impossible not to.