Today was the day in my church when we remember those we love who have recently died. I deliberately didn't put Mum's and Ray's names down as I didn't want to hear their names read out but some dear sweet friend did so I got through the service and then had a mini meltdown. Now I hate that it happened. It is two years for Ray, almost two years for Mum and it still seems like yesterday sometimes. I keep thinking I am getting over it, I am almost over it, surely I am over it now but it seems it does not work that way at all

I keep telling myself I need to start a new life, make some changes, forget the past and get on with the future. But it doesn't sink in far enough for me to put my thoughts into actions. Okay, I am a work in progress and like the renovated church I spoke of in my last blog there is a lot of work still to be done. I know I need to stop beating myself up for where I am right now and accept that sometimes I will feel sad for no reason, no explanation. Then when I do hit special dates I need to prepare to feel that way again.

We all know that through our caregiving days special dates, Christmas, Mother's day, Father's day, birthdays and anniversaries will be difficult to cope with as they were once such good times and now cannot be celebrated in the same way and that goes on into widowhood too. There is no celebrations because there is no-one to celebrate with. The family will maybe remember briefly but won't contact or think about it much beyond that passing thought. Friends have their own lives to live so your sorrow will not be remembered and so your isolation seems so much worse.

I had a discussion with my daughter when she rang this week and I will have her family here for a late dinner on Christmas night. Good. I will plan for that. I will get up and go to church and spend some time ringing other people I know who will be shut in or out of current society, like the people on the church sick list. That way I will not feel as if it is just me. I don't want to be caught up in my own little pity party, that is not a good way to spend a day. I want to be thankful for what I have had in the past. I have had many happy Christmases and now that has changed there are those to look back on.

Oh for a visit to heaven, how I would love a hug and a word of affection. Some weeks I do get a hug from one of the other widows from church, some weeks nothing. I really miss my younger son Trevor since he has moved to Broken Hill as he would look at me sometimes and say: “Come here Mum, you need a hug.” and he was always right. It is hard not to have someone to show you affection. I get cyberhugs here and on Facebook but not the real thing. I really miss the bearhug Trevor would give me and my daughter too, she is a great hugger as well.

We have had a series of thunderstorms in the last few days. Not a lot of rain, a little more would have been handy. Yesterday travelling home from a day out with a friend we seemed to be travelling on the edge of a storm, thunder and lightening and heavy rain slashing down on us. I was really glad to get home. When I got up this morning some of my flowerpots had toppled over and I had to set them straight again. As the storm was accompanied by wind gusts there are a lot of leaves too so that will be the task tomorrow afternoon, rake the leaves up. I am lucky that I have so much to keep me busy I suppose.

I am still struggling a bit to know what to do on Friday and Saturday nights. Now it is November and the days are longer and the nights warmer it is the party season I can now hear parties going on in the houses close by. There are pool parties, BBQs scenting the air, the cries of babies, the shouts of small children and laughter all around. I guess that just adds to the loneliness, I am stuck here alone, a pity party in the making. When Ray was alive I was far too busy to accept invitations so now I simply don't get any. I am forgotten by the friends I once had and the older widows I associate now would never guess how lonely I am as when I see them I have my happy sociable face on and they do not see the loneliness I feel. Silly in a way as they are the ones who would understand.

I know many on here must read my blogs and say how trivial my small worries are. They would be right too. I need to buck up, put my big girl pants on and get on with life, right? I have to remember the good times and not the sad times. Well, I guess I need to work on that some more, I'm sure I am not alone in that.