laughing at life in spite of everything
Entry posted by swilkinson
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Life is busy. It is mostly good too but a couple of events this week have cast a shadow over the joy of the season, one is that an old and trusted friend has stage 4 cancer and I can't get to see her right now and the other is that my younger son's wife has walked out and is preventing him from seeing the children. I am so far away from both of them and I want to be with them, in two different directions and I have so many obligations here that my time is so committed and I just can't get away for a few days.
At my stage of widowhood I am getting a lot of unsolicited advice. All of it is well-intentioned, all of it is valid, most of it is useless and has no bearing on my life whatsoever. All I can do is laugh it off. A cousin of Ray's who has been divorces three times and is for now happily married told me today that it is perfectly all right for me to ask a man to go out with me. He said if you like someone and they are single just go and ask them to come with you to the pictures or something. I am afraid I was born in the wrong generation for that. I was taught that a man asked a woman out, he picked her up, he opened the door for her etc. I know it doesn't work like that today but 46 years ago, when I was last dating it did work like that.
Last week I went to the church movie night. Due to circumstances I ended up being the only one from our group there so decided to go into the movie alone. There were only a few people in the theatre so I had a row to myself. One woman in the next row over went out and when she came back in I overheard her male partner say: "There honey, snuggle in." I didn't see the movie for a while as I was crying for the love I had and lost. That man Ray who was supposed to be with me till we were too old to go out. I so miss being with someone special, being half of Ray and Sue.There is no going back of course but sometimes I just ache with longing for those times long past.
Most of you who know me well know I like to keep busy. My calendar is dotted with places I need to be, times I need to be there. In some cases there is a clash and I have to choose. Some of the advisers tell me this is wrong and I should choose just a handful of events and just do them, leaving me plenty of time to declutter my house etc. They of course are right up to a point, sooner or later I need to do a lot of decluttering but right now I am busy and life is full of unexpected joy. I enjoyed just seeing a couple of old friends today while I did my four hour stint on the Lions Club Christmas Stocking. This unexpected meeting in both cases started up a conversation full of delightful memories of outings we had together. Of course we have aged and there is some problems with our bodies etc but our love has not diminished and we were truly glad to catch up again. But I fear that is it, in both cases it is a friendship based in the past and that really is where it will stay.
My mind keeps going back to my son. I have rung him today and so far he is coping. he has very little work as another mine where they clean the restrooms etc is suspending operations due to the low iron ore prices. He needs to get accommodation on his own now as a five bedroom house is too big and expensive for him to rent. He has to have two bedrooms so Alice can have one when she visits. All I can do from here is talk to him, comfort him, give what advice I think might be applicable. My daughter, the Salvation Army Officer, has welfare experience so she is giving him advice that is probably more useful than mine.
My son left a good job to go with his wife so she could have the career she wanted. It is a mine field for a married couple who have only been together for a few years, there are untold hazards embedded in moving, change of jobs, one working more hours that the other. Ray and I did it three times and somehow our marriage survived, but we were from that committed generation. We believed that marriage vows we said did mean till death us do part. We worked on the principle that said raise the kids and then have your fun. Of course we had the last of our children, Trevor, to fifteen when Ray had the first stroke so it didn't all work out as planned.
I know a lot of people reading this will know what I am talking about as they too have been through this separation and divorce in their family, the splitting up of assets, the moving from the family home etc. A lot of families are fractured and yet somehow they cope. It is times like this when I really miss my practical man. I can say the calming things, the sensible things, the warm and fuzzy things, but Ray would have spoken to Trevor man-to-man and that is something we will both miss, that real old-fashioned father figure in our lives.
And so as usual it is go on alone, one step at a time, one day at a time but looking out for the joy on the way.
Today is also the second anniversary of my Mum's death. Rest in peace Mum, till we meet again.
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