When I started this blog, I said I was going to write about my thoughts and feelings with honesty, good or bad. I am going to hold myself to it.

With that said, Father's Day pretty much sucked for me. I know I shouldn't be having a pity party, but what the hell? I got to sleep in until 10:00 and I really needed it. I could hear our daughter making breakfast and thought I would give her a little time. By the time I got downstairs, her and our son had eaten it. Oh, Well. I got dressed and went to be with Lisa at lunchtime like everyday. She had a very good lunch without any coughing at all. When she was done, she got in her head that I could transfer her to my car and we could go for a drive up the North Shore of Lake Superior. I asked the aide on duty if we could get a slide board. The aide said she would look into it. Then, 2 of Lisa's best friends showed up and I "got out of the way" so they could visit. Another hour and a half gone. As soon as they leave, her mom and dad and my mom show up to visit. Another 2 hours gone. The Aide comes back in and says because it is Sunday, PT is locke and I can't get a slide board. There goes the car ride.

When they leave, Lisa wants me to take her outside. There is a very nice courtyard and we hang out there quite a bit. She doesn't want to go there, she wants to go out the front door. I know where this is going. She knows my car is parked out front. I told her that with out the slide board, I can't get her in the car and I will talk with PT tomorrow. I said we will see what we need to do and how close we can get her chair, kind of line it up. The gap between her chair with the arm down and the front seat is only six inches. It might have well been the Grand Canyon without that slide board. She is trying to convince me to pick her up and put her in the seat. I can't do it.

I haven't seen Lisa break down like that in a while. I felt so helpless. She wanted to go back to her room and was crying hard the whole way back. That got me going. I reassured her that it was going to happen, if not today, soon. She calmed down and started to get tired. At 4:00, Lisa told me to go and buy a new pair of running shoes for Father's Day. I said O.K. and I was going to play golf after.

I go to the mall, buy the shoes, think about going for a run but decide against it because it's too hot out, and drive to the golf course to meet my friend. I get to the golf course and my friend calls my cell and cancels. All right, I'll join up with another group. Nope, end up playing by myself. I only played nine holes cause it was so hot out. Guess I'll just go home. I get there and no one is home. I spent almost the entire Father's Day alone. I spend most of my time alone. I'm sick of it. Even when there are people around, I'm totally alone. at least that's how it feels. Lisa and I were attached at the hip. I really miss her. This is like a step back for me. But, its how I feel today.

Butch