The rains are here. In either January or February we have a long rainy period, today is the third day of what will probably be a week of coastal rain. As a single person I don't have a lot of stimulation so dull rainy days whether in winter or summer affect my mood. I cried over Ray for the first time in a while. I was thinking he should be having a nap now. It is strange how I don't think of him hourly but still daily. For so many years I planned his life almost hour by hour and now I still think of him as part of the daily routine: "Today I will do... and Ray will do...no wait, he isn't here now." It is two years, four months, eight days, and I still miss him so much.

I was just reading Jeri's blog about her father speaking of his late wife as if she is still here. I think that is very easy to do, so many memories are tied up in the one we lost. I would say : "I wish Ray was here because he would know what to do." thinking back not to how he was when he died but how he was before that, the strong man, the clever handyman, the fount of all knowledge in some areas, like why the car is making that funny noise. Of course I often disputed what he said, I can be a smart mouth sometimes, but I still relied on him for a lot of advice. We were married for 44 years so how could I not?

Yesterday, in desperation,despite the downpour, I went shopping and found a couple of people I knew out and about, no offers of coffee but that was okay, I can sit by myself anyway. I learned to do that in my "time out" times when Ray had a carer in to mind him. Sometimes it feels as if that is still the case and I am simply away from home, filling in time. February will see the end of that as all my regular activities will start up again and I will be busy, busy, busy. A bit like the mouse on the wheel but I can hop off whenever I want to, or so I tell myself.

I had a busy, happy Australia Day long weekend, something to do every day from Friday to Monday, most unusual for me. Such a contrast to my lonely Christmas but then that is down to me too, to plan things better. Next Christmas a few of us older widows have decided to get together if nothing more interesting is on offer. I have to remember that saying: "if it is to be it is up to me". That is a single woman's mantra. And I have to learn to plan trips and travel independently too. No more waiting for someone else to make the suggestion. It is "atta girl Sue" and away I go.

We have so many forms of communication now and yet I can still feel lonely. I look at the phone and wonder who I can ring and find someone home who wants to talk to me for a while. The world is full of busy people and so if I talk for 20 minutes to someone that is a bonus. "I am sorry I just have to..." is one of the excuses I hear and I also use myself. Sometimes it is the truth, some times it is only an excuse I know. That is okay, they are allowed not to talk to me if that is their choice, they have not experienced the loneliness of widowhood yet.

I am lucky on Facebook that my north American friends are just getting up as I am going to bed so I can talk to Sarah from Strokenet as she is putting her dogs out. I can also talk to a friend in Western Australia (three hours behind my time) as she is just settling down for the evening. My older friends talk about Facebook as if it is a scourge but I find it handy for that laugh at some of the funny postings, that stimulating thought as many of my Christian friends post some word of wisdom or an insight into another's way of life in postings and pictures. Like the blogs here that feeling of being in touch, of knowing where people are on their journey is important to me.

I have been outside sweeping some of the water away from the back door, the back yard is drenched after three days of heavy rain so it is like a slow waterfall in places and really there is nowhere for the water to go. The fence is a barrier now and I'm guessing I will be out rediggng the drains on the other side of the block as soon as the rains clear. That is always a job that needs doing. Never mind I have been doing it all myself for many years now and the leaves still fall and block the drain off. I know the gums are a problem but I look out on leaf and flower and enjoy that view so they are here to stay. So plenty to do when the rains are over.

In our household in the teen raising years, if you said you were bored you got to vacuum clean the house. I almost said that to a friend this morning. I think I need to get up and do that housework that needs doing. I will be back later for the Caregiver Chat of course. No more sitting here thinking blue thoughts on a rainy day.