This blog is a few comments I would like to make about funerals. Only read it if you want to. I know sometimes we don't want to read about such a topic but it is one I have had a lot to do with so I am expressing some personal opinions, not writing a handbook.

Whenever I post on Facebook or on here that I have been to a funeral a lot of people say they are sad for my loss etc. I do pastoral care in our church so I go to a lot of funerals. For me this is the end of the journey, the past is past, there is no need to do anything except to be present. People often can't understand the practice of presence but it is part of spirituality for me. Maybe that is a bit “zen' but I know one of the first things people ask after a funeral is:”how many were there?” as if numbers show the regard in which the person was held.

Well of course numbers are not important as you would have to factor in a lot of variables like how old the person was, number of family members living close, closeness of neighbours etc. But I like to think me being there is a plus. It is nice if the people there are also known to the family but in a lot of cases, here especially, the adult children scatter and know very few of Mum or Dad's friends. If they are churchgoers and the children are not of course they don't know these dear friends of theirs that see them every Sunday.

A lot of families look at the funeral as the last thing they could do for the one they love so much, so I often hear someone say:"she would have loved this" or to an old friend "Dad would have loved you telling that story, he always laughed when he heard it". Everyone at the funeral is grieving in their own way. Even people like me who hardly knew the person, except in their last few years. I grieve for their loss, the smile I got when I visited, the few stories I had the privilege to share. I also get to know a bit about the family so I sort of recognise them from old photos so can be confident when I say: “You must be Bob”.

I went to a funeral on Monday and the daughter was the only one of three children able to attend but she and her husband read out letters from the other two siblings. It was different but nice. On Wednesday I went to another, small family, low key, not as much time spent on the eulogy, one hymn, for a lady who was very quiet so reflecting her personality. I loved her for her comforting silence when she sat next to me in my pew after my husband Ray died. Sometimes we don't need to hear words to know someone loves us.

The funeral is hard to get through for every family, it was for me when my Dad died in 2000 and then my husband Ray in September 2012 and Mum in November 2012. But I really appreciated the effort old friends of mine and of the other person made to be there, some from quite a distance away. We all express love in a different way and for some it is to make sure they are there for the final good-bye even if they haven't seen the person in some years but still have fond memories of them.

When Ray was so sick and no-one visited me I got very tired and cranky as you all know and would vent about those who had abandoned us. I haven't changed my mind about that but I have cut them some slack so if someone comes up to me and says hello and reminds me that maybe they haven't seen me for a while but am glad to see I am okay etc I accept that as if it is an apology.

There is comfort in the love and respect others show for your family by being at the funeral. If I can I will go to the funerals of those last few friends of Mum and Dad's too. It took a lot of self talk to go at first while I was still in mourning but I did it. If you find it hard to go to funerals but actually can get there take a deep breath and be the person your loved one would want you to be. I know Mum or Dad would like Julie and I as the remainder of the family to honour their wishes. I can, Julie can't, we are very different in personality and in situation. I loved Mum and Dad and knew most of their friends, living close to them was an advantage in that way.

I hope what I have shared here resonates with you. It is a tough subject but one we have to face up to as our loved ones age and die. Comments very welcome as usual.