Many years ago this site I posted a blog in which I compared talking to people who are friendly, interested and concerned but not quite on the same wavelength as being like people thinking about a pie,. Yum we say, but you are thinking blueberry and I am thinking peach. That is where I find myself right now. I had a few days down with my daughter and it was good, the grandkids and I did things together and I had a good talk with my daughter and another with my son in law. I realized they have no concept at all of my present life. They have a busy life, kids, the congregation they care for and each other. It is nothing like that for me. So they think blueberry and I think peach.
The busy Easter season is over but already I have another funeral to go to and two new people in hospital to visit and other cares and woes seem to be creeping in as the oldies catch the first colds and flus of the season. Bah Humbug! So the caring role continues to take up my spare time and that feeling that hovers between feeling useful and feeling used up comes back. I keep saying this will change with the advent of our new minister but will it? Will he/she take up a position of authority, reshuffle the load and take up the slack? Yeah right!
Do you get the impression I am feeling sorry for myself? You are right, I have the pre-winter blues. It rained every day I was down at my daughter's place. We did manage a trip to the local shopping centre and went to the movies where we saw "Home" a wonderful children's movie with some home truths for parents and some deeper meaning for us older and wiser heads. Just loved it. We then got a heap of rental movies and every day was a good day for a couple of movies so I think I am up to whatever the kids have been watching the past few months. Some good thought provoking movies there too. I must get out more!
I came back a day early to catch up with my older son and his partner. He was up to sign the divorce papers so Pamela and he will get divorced and it looks like it is going to be Alison forever now (however long forever lasts these days) and so I have to think of her as his partner and maybe one day his wife. Big leap forward for me. But I can do it, I am accustomed to changes in my life so I guess this will be just another one. I know a lot of you have been there before me so I can plaster that smile on my face and look as happy as I can manage for them. He never asks how I am dong, basically is not interested in my life at all so no deep and meaningful talks ever happen with that one.
My younger son and his little daughter talked to me on the phone while I was down at my daughter's place. He has his troubles but seems once more to be overcoming them. I guess he is the nearest to my personality and uses the same methods of coping. One day at a time, just keep busy, just keep moving forward when you can. He loves the access days with his daughter and that makes the hard work of his job (he is a commercial cleaner) seem worthwhile. He knows this can end at any time but is okay with that. I think he is more mature in a way than his older brother as life has slapped him around a bit as it has me and so he too has that "wisdom born of pain" and we probably both think "peach".
And so life goes on, church, Lions, lunch with friends when that happens, housework, gardening, talking to the kids once a week on the phone...anything wrong with this picture? Yes, where is the purpose of it all? Where are the signposts saying "walk this way", "sunny corner", "Pathway to Happiness"? Okay I am speaking to the wrong people here, for all of you, like me, have had a pathway shadowed by stroke. We no longer believe there is a pathway to happiness, more like a pathway to h*ll so silly me, thinking that happiness is out there somewhere waiting for me to find it eh? But it is all around me, I know that, in the faces of friends, in the very air some days when the sun is shining and the birds are singing. It is only on the grey days I just don't see it.
Yesterday I visited two old friends both in care facilities, one is very philosophical about life, has been in the nursing home for four years but still really struggles to find good in each day sometimes. I understand that when the news of the day is who died last night and nothing much, except visitors like me turns the day back to normal. The other is still in assisted living but in a place that is no longer full, people want more space and light than the place has to offer so activities are few, the bus has been sold off and she is mainly in her room except for meals. In her nineties she is something of a philosopher too so does think in terms of the good place she has, the help she gets, the occasional company she has when one of her family members comes in for a chat. I will be her one day I guess.
So there is plenty of work to do in the garden while the good weather holds, bromeliads breeding like rabbits so slice and dice them and repot them to go into the garden at a future date or give away to friends, you know the drill, leaves to rake, areas to clear of weeds. But do wish I had a companion to work with or someone to simply come to the back door and say: "Is it time for a break, I could do with a cup of tea myself".. The widow life for me is a lonely life.