Honesty is the only dignity left
I am in a nursing home.
I packed up a few of my favorite things to put in storage.
I gave away everything else from where I lived for 15 years.
No one here understands my pain or what vestibular means.
I am humiliated by them when they insist some friend or family should take me in and they treat me like a homeless person rather than an ill one.
I have not recovered much since the first 6 months post stroke. I had amazing improvements to begin with and now not so much.
I am more dizzy here than I was in my own place.
I could not do fieldwork in my degree program so I lost my income.
I cant work on the pain meds around the clock.
Savings doesn't last forever.
My kids have lives and yet I still feel abandoned sometimes,but then again I know I need to not be a burden to them.
I got ill staying alone.
I could not hold on to my old life.
I have made friends with my roommates here because we share stories and feelings.
There are good and bad things about this place.
They stopped physical therapy because I can walk with a walker. I walked in being able to do this so it makes no sense.
I wont go to my friends house in another state. Not yet.
I have been denied disability twice. I am told it takes years of appeals. I have requested for a dire need hearing and must wait for an answer.
My son came to visit and I could see the horror in his eyes.
My daughter Is angry all the time. She blames me for ruining her young adult life now I cant be there for her. Somes I feel sad and guilty. Sometimes I feel furiously betrayed.
This is not what I expected for this summer.
I caught a cold here and I am on antibiotics for sinus and throat.
The food is gross but I still managed to gain 5 pounds.I say I am swelling.
I am in shock they dont give me therapies.
I met with a volunteer advocate after I called Ombudsman program.
No one wants to talk about the emotional toll. They bully me when I decline Antidepression meds that make me sick and dizzy. They stopped when I told them they were bringing me pills they charged insurance for, which was fraud because I didnt take them,and pain doc said discontinue so I would never take them.
People see me as pathetic now. I am ashamed. I am not on a pity party but I did not recover.
I am too high functioning to be here so they will move me.
They moved my room twice.the last time they didnt bring my phone charger. They took a week to replace it and only after I got advocate around.
I know one thing for sure and that is that I will continue my diary as long as I can as honestly as I can. The journey is what it is. I was working on my dissertation. I had a stroke. Life is unpredictable. I want to face it with dignity. How when there is pain,tears disappointment and humiliation. Honesty is the only dignity left
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