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Honesty is the only dignity left


SassyBetsy

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I am in a nursing home.

I packed up a few of my favorite things to put in storage.

I gave away everything else from where I lived for 15 years.

No one here understands my pain or what vestibular means.

I am humiliated by them when they insist some friend or family should take me in and they treat me like a homeless person rather than an ill one.

I have not recovered much since the first 6 months post stroke. I had amazing improvements to begin with and now not so much.

I am more dizzy here than I was in my own place.

I could not do fieldwork in my degree program so I lost my income.

I cant work on the pain meds around the clock.

Savings doesn't last forever.

My kids have lives and yet I still feel abandoned sometimes,but then again I know I need to not be a burden to them.

I got ill staying alone.

I could not hold on to my old life.

I have made friends with my roommates here because we share stories and feelings.

There are good and bad things about this place.

They stopped physical therapy because I can walk with a walker. I walked in being able to do this so it makes no sense.

I wont go to my friends house in another state. Not yet.

I have been denied disability twice. I am told it takes years of appeals. I have requested for a dire need hearing and must wait for an answer.

My son came to visit and I could see the horror in his eyes.

My daughter Is angry all the time. She blames me for ruining her young adult life now I cant be there for her. Somes I feel sad and guilty. Sometimes I feel furiously betrayed.

This is not what I expected for this summer.

I caught a cold here and I am on antibiotics for sinus and throat.

The food is gross but I still managed to gain 5 pounds.I say I am swelling.

I am in shock they dont give me therapies.

I met with a volunteer advocate after I called Ombudsman program.

No one wants to talk about the emotional toll. They bully me when I decline Antidepression meds that make me sick and dizzy. They stopped when I told them they were bringing me pills they charged insurance for, which was fraud because I didnt take them,and pain doc said discontinue so I would never take them.

People see me as pathetic now. I am ashamed. I am not on a pity party but I did not recover.

I am too high functioning to be here so they will move me.

They moved my room twice.the last time they didnt bring my phone charger. They took a week to replace it and only after I got advocate around.

 

I know one thing for sure and that is that I will continue my diary as long as I can as honestly as I can. The journey is what it is. I was working on my dissertation. I had a stroke. Life is unpredictable. I want to face it with dignity. How when there is pain,tears disappointment and humiliation. Honesty is the only dignity left

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my god pam! I can truly feel your grief and pain. you are a good person and quite bright and as I have said many times you have an incredible talent in writing as no one else.

I don't know if you know someone named Richard taylor.  a person with alzheimers. he wrote a book some time after he was diagnosed with AD called AD from the inside out.  I was concerned at that time (about 10 years ago) that I was experiencing the beginning of AD).  and his writing although very good is not in your class.

I know that you are an extraordinarily strong person pam, far stronger than I would be.  (I crumble easily(lol)).  you will come past this little setback that would destroy most people.

you are in my thoughts often.

 

take good care of yourself!

 

david 

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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fZly12eGpNA

 

Pam, I am very sorry to hear about your misfortunes. Per the lack of physical therapy, you are a determined person and you can do your own physical therapy. I have had to before I know it is not the same but it's something. Here is a song that I recently found that I think is fitting. Of course it does not fit your scenario perfectly but possibly the emotion

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Pam :

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through & feel so helpless. I pray for your strength & some angel to appear by your side to help you out. you areone strong woman. I hope you are able to join us in chats soon.

 

Asha

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Pam, I must agree with David. Your writing is some of the most honest, raw emotional and open writing I have ever read. You know, our plans change abruptly sometimes and maybe your plan should be in the area of writing.

 

Your physical body may be betraying you, but your intellectual self is so acute and brilliant. Something to consider? Your thoughts and experiences might help others who grapple with where they fit into a place they don't necessarily belong. An author is born!!

 

Ann

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Pam, I agree with David, and Ann, your writing is amazing, and you are a

strong, bright, lady. Everything happens for a reason, we can not see it

righ now, but you are a writer, who is in a nursing home, and can write

and let us know what is really going on there. I am praying that the pain

you are going through soon becomes bearable.

You are a Gladiator!

You are in my thoughs and Prayers

 

Yvonne

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Pam: I can only thank you for your honesty and enlightenment. My Bruce could never be as descriptive. But you have certainly opened the door for me. In my prayers and thoughts, certainly. Debbie

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Thank you for once again giving me a piece of your strength through listening. Thanks for your words because I feel shame even writing.

I hope it helps someone else to know they are not alone as I have been helped by reading blogs here,even if I did not respond to them,but I try to.

Yes I have wonderful roommate who has my back and is a real angel.

I believe I am always where I am meant to be. I dont want to be here.

 

 

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