If you see me out and about you would think how confident I am, laughing, joking, chatting to all and sundry. But back at home it doesn't seem a bit like that. I have posted on Kelli (ksmith)'s post titled "My world is closing in" and frankly, as a widow living on my own some days it feels very much like that. I do have good friends, real and in cyberspace and they are there for me, briefly, at random times and in special ways but they are not that one "special person" that I miss - my late husband Ray.

On Saturday it will be three years since he died. I will be out all that day at a rally with a girlfriend and I am sure she will be aware that it is a special day and try to keep the mood light and make it easy to be in the moment but half of my mind will be in mourning. Because that is how it is on those special days like Father's Day, our birthdays, anniversaries and of course the anniversary of his death. The pain is less severe, the suffering is not as intense, but you still grieve and to a certain extent I guess I will do so for many years to come.

I have been keeping company in a casual kind of way with an old school friend. He has married three times,been divorced for many years, likes his own company, is happy on his own. I am just a friend he talks to and has an occasional meal with it is not serious on either side but for a while I thought it might be. I can see now that as we head towards 70 marriage is less likely to be what we want. Companionship yes, marriage no. And yet for me marriage spells permanency, for him, with three marriages behind him of course it doesn't, he just wants someone to talk to from time to time and as old friends there is so much we have in common for us to talk about.

My circle of friends, the ones who took me into their circle when I first became a widow is dwindling now. We have had some of our circle die, some move away, several of them have moved into care. That is the way life is. Our friendships wax and wane, our family moves around, our grandkids grow up and no longer want that hug of love, they want time to play on their iPad instead of the old movies we once watched together. All of this technology seems to have weakened the bonds of family love and somehow as a widow I sometimes feel neglected and forgotten as the families of my children demand more of their time and my portion of time shared gets less and less.

There is no sense in feeling sorry for myself, a lot of good that will do. Instead I need to fill my days and sometimes my nights with worthwhile things to do so I still do all the church visiting, phone friends, go to meetings and out to lunch and hope that all of that reduces that hollow feeling I sometimes have inside, that question mark over my life that says: "Is this all there is?" because at this age that is a valid question. And I don't have any answers.

I still co-host the Tuesday night's Caregiver Chat with HostSally, and moderate the blogs which means, reading the new blogs daily, commenting on them and at the end of each week writing up the Blog Report. I still do voluntary work for my Lions Club, BBQs, meat raffles, helping at the meetings. I enjoy that but rarely see anyone from my Club outside of these activities. I do some other community work, I attend a Coffee Morning now at a drop-in centre, chat to the people who come in, I do empathize with their stories, acknowledge their struggles in life. I advise (not counsel) and generally try to make the situation the person finds themselves in a little easier. I did telephone counselling for many years so it is a milder version of that. I hope it helps somewhat.

I badly miss Ray and my Mum, three years seems a long time I know but sometimes to me it seems no time at all since they have been gone. You can't care for someone for that many years and not have it leave a lasting impression. So much has changed in the three years Ray has been gone, things like the kids moving away, the fact that I have been to the funerals of a few of his friends and some of his cousins and that life just changes anyway, especially as you age. So the life I lived with him and the life I live now are different. Harder somehow to deal with by myself. My kids are often too busy to really listen to what I say so any advice they give is often wide of the mark.

It is 2am. I can't sleep, guess I won't much now until after the 19th, anniversaries are always like this, worried and sleepless before and fine once they have passed. Even logical approaches to the problem of grieving do not really help. I know Ray is dead and gone in fact but somehow not in my heart. Maybe that will be ongoing. And where does that leave the future? My future. I guess no-one knows. And for better or worse that is how it is.

Tomorrow I may wake up and be happy that I do so, grateful for the sun and the beauty of Spring bursting out all around me. But maybe I won't. Someone said at the Lions Dinner tonight that he thought I was a bit quiet, and I am. there is a lot of things turning over in my mind, nothing of great importance but just thoughts of what my life is all about. Philosophical I know but it is hard to be practical at this time of night.