I Have Sobs Within
Entry posted by SassyBetsy
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I saw an eye specialist for nystagmus. I am not a candidate for surgery. I have slight strabismus too. The news is...drumroll please....my troubles may become better or worse over time. The bottom line is based on vision problems alone,not counting other obstacles, I cannot get my driving license reinstated today as things are. Of course I have so many other troubles besides vision. And I suppose they can all do better or worse. Honestly I spend more time worrying things will not improve than worry about troubles getting worse.
It was disappointing to hear what I already knew. But the real killjoy was understanding things could deteriorate.
I close my eyes and hear the jingle of my key ring as I start the engine. I loved the smell of that vanilla air freshener. I miss driving by the coast with the sun roof open letting in the smell of salty air and ribbons of sunlight. I close my eyes and see all the cars I have had over the years. All the miles of my life were lived in cars...carseats,strollers,hauling bikes, kid taxi,vacations, carpooling kids and friends. The fun of rental cars.
Inside my head the keening of a banshee wails unstopable but I cannot cry. There are still sobs within me but they are stifled,stilled,trapped inside those large orange capsules swallowed each morning that carry away my feelings as if that is the only place pain lives. I close my eyes and feel the steering wheel. I was holding onto my life,freedom,goals then.
Everything I see, things I do, my world is visual. Do not ask me to relinquish my sight. I think of my grandmother,a strong example of coping,living life to the full even with lost sight she could see. I am blessed even though I am mourning. I still need to quiet the sobs within.
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