The nursing home ran out of my gabbapentin. Some dr.insurance.pharmacy gliche that resulted in me making calls an then ultimately begging and pleading to go to the hospital. Then I walked out of my room and insisted. Only those with cps know the state I was in without a nerve drug. So off I went to the ER. When the ambulance man told admitting nurse why I was there,he said: did you call 911 and come to the emergency department for pain? Did I hear sarcasm? I said that is what the man said. And ambulance guy redfaced explained he only stated what the patient said was chief complaint.

So then doc came with the gabba and fentanyl shot. No real relief so then a shot of dilaudid. Then another with the condition I give up the valuable bed and go back to nursing home. The nurses no longer came in. I asked for blood sugar check. It was 74 normal they said. I had not eaten since breakfast not able to eat lunch or dinner due to pain nausea dizziness headache. They said stop crying. But it hurt so much. Then it lessened and i felt drugged but it was not at acceptable level. Lord knows it is never gone. Lord knows it takes a while to settle it down once awakened and roaring. But the ambulance was there waiting with 3 burly security thugs glaring at me. There I was in hospital gowns from the home,bedhead hair,chapped lips,but good nail polish thank god. The nurse who said she advocated for me said there was nothing she could do. I asked to just be able to get pain relief and they said that is all we can do. I said to the new doc at other ER I was given something to sleep,escape the suffering,and wait for meds to work. He agreed and gave me ativan to help me. He disagreed with me that my crying was from stroke. He said I had to leave after the pill. I took pill then nurse came in cleaning up telling me to move. I said I wanted my paperwork and walked unsteady to desk. They gave it but i had to ask for the folder it came in gone. I said I did not want to go back to home yet before I felt relief because once in the home they leave me in pain dont even call a doc for me. I was told I could not sit in waiting room. I must return to the home. I said my home is negligent with pain meds. The triage nurse I called when I was in agony talked to bossynurse. Bossy said the home lost money providing meds while insurance preauths are settled so meds. I said insurance told me all paperwork was fine. Then one day no meds. Then I descend into the river pheonix. So I declined the ambulance trip to the home. I was told to leave the hospital campus not just the building. I asked for wheelchair ride out but security said no. I walked slowly,now incredibly drugged but yes by my choice. I walked outside and sat on cold cement bench. I was escorted by 3 big security guards. See this picture as they walk at snails pace as I shuffle along in baggy socks balancing on my walker each step still not pain free. Like a real criminal as I imagined. I never have experienced it always was law abiding. Still polite and law abiding. But apparently I manage to break rules,and ask for the unreasonable.

As I sat on the cement,the guards told me if I went into the lobby They will call the police. They asked me if I wanted a ride to the bus stop. I said I cant travel alone and I am only allowed to take access bus for disabled. I described my disabilities and cps all night long. Does anyone know about stroke? They kept saying even if it is cold no lobby and I would not be allowed to be seen again. I started crying finally. Drugged.cold. punished for disobeying.

As soon as they left, I walked into the warm lobby to wait for my family to come. I had been texting ,keeping them in loop. People should remember we all carry audio and video phone things so we are never alone. I announced that security could come and call the police but I was waiting out of the cold for a ride. Then a man in the waiting room went over and got a blanket and brought it over and covered me with it. I looked up at him and said thank you sir. He was an older black man. I sat wondering how was this happening. Realizing my motive was to go back later past the wrath of bossynurse. And to feel that I am free not incarcerated. I called my family. I had been texting all along. I was picked up and we went through mc D drive through on the way to the nursing home. We took time to talk which was comfort to me. I came in and the nurse was on phone reporting I was back.

I slept until 6pm even with interruptions fot meds,vitals,food. My Roomie said some cnas came by said hello when I was gone. One came by smiling huggd me. She is night cna when I am up wee hours of morning. Roomie said she could not sleep when I was not in the bed next to her. That is kindest thing ever said. I said so and that I am lucky and I worry over her and enjoy her company too.

But I long for my freedom. There is nothing but suffering for me here. And outside there is stigma I am demented.

Today I wonder at their lack of compassion unprovoked except that I will generate a loss rather than profit. Not from their pockets but perhaps something drives the hostility. My nurse grew impatient with me and said she needed to go help her cancer patient who needed a transfusion. All I did was continue to comPlain of pain and get shots. I was quiet and did not make a body fluid mess.

When family was there we went to eat. I felt better after eating,when the volume of pain was lower,when my family was there with me. They know. I am loved. That is what buffers against the indignities,insensitivities,unbelievable things I have seen being a patient.

Tonight I feel good,have a good manicure,good hair now,and feel loved even by some here at the home. But bossynurse was her true colors and once again I defied her going to hOspital. The supervisor here called the ambulance.sent me for help. I was helped and made sure it was enough and no need to suffer because it would be hard for me to return.

Why this endless suffering in front of those who assign other motives? A lifetime sentence of pain. What more can they do to me than deny the help to ease it,to deliver me from such Horror. But while i see the horrible, I see the best kindness of strangers,love from those who cannot be in reality anymore,and I am seen.