Another day when Host Sally and I talked to each other for the period of Caregiver Chat. We think maybe the time for that is over now as newbies don't see to come to caregiver chat and the "old gang" we used to have on as regulars just went on with their lives or dropped out of Strokenet. I know there are all sorts of reasons for that to happen, not blaming anyone just saying that is what seems to have happened. Sally and I get on well so it is not a problem to talk to her for an hour but I wonder if that is part of the changes that happen in life. I know for some Facebook chat is more convenient, I chat on Facebook myself. Anyway that is just what happened today, next week might be different.

I have just had one of those weeks when I have questioned everything that I do. I know what I do I often do to fill in time but why? And what else should I be doing? I came out of 13 years of being a caregiver to Ray, 12 years at home, one year in a nursing home. I went on supervising Mum's care and then she died. I fell into a black hole for while and slowly, ever so slowly climbed back out again. Now I am 3 1/2 years as a widow and still I do the same things, look after others, fill in the gaps in pastoral care in the church and help out in the other organization I belong to. I often wonder if this is all there is to life.

A lot of people tell me I am looking good, I am taking care of myself so that helps, eating well, exercising minimally, dancing is not an option with the heatwave we are currently experiencing. But I still wonder what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Is there a plan? What does a widow that is over the initial grieving stages do? I ask other people and they ask what do you want to do? My answer would not be acceptable. Ray always said when we retired we would travel.That is what I want to do now but I do not have a travelling companion, that died with Ray, he was my travelling companion.

To travel was our retirement plan but of course that never happened. He retired early due to the strokes, and had a long recovery process. We still were able to do some holidays in the form of bus trips. Between the following strokes he recovered enough to travel in a limited fashion until in 2006 when I realised we were slower than the 80 year olds. I was still doing all the things I did for him at home to look after him so although it was a change of scenery and some new experiences it was not a holiday in terms of rest and relaxation for me. I feel as if I didn't retire until he died. Since then I have had some trips including back to England but it is not the same travelling alone. It is not what I expected my retirement to be like. And I feel cheated.

So I am concentrating on embracing the changes as they come along. The Parish Council met today and of course changes are forecast. We will not do this, we will do that. Sue, will you help with ... The usual people being reshuffled like a deck of cards. It happens. Tuesday night's Board meeting before the Lions dinner was the same..what will we do to attract new members, should we do this or should we do that? Can we improve on how we do this? Is there any way of attracting some publicity that would be good so that people see what we do and want to join our Club And on and on and on.

For some us in Australia summer can be a bit of a let down. Organisations stop what they are doing over the Christmas / New Year period and then slowly get back into gear again. The first meetings are slowly appearing on my calendar, and it is less than two weeks until school goes back. When school goes back there is still some summer left but life is busier again so going to the beach, on a picnic etc is less likely to happen. The good thing is that some of the social activities reappear on the calendar so I feel less disconnected from people. My retired friends of course are still sitting in their caravans at a beach resort somewhere but then I do not see most of them as a regular part of my life any more. That is another thing that changed with widowhood.

But I still question what I should be doing. Well intentioned friends suggest that I should simply get used to travelling on my own. They say I need to get used to travelling by bus and train, on an occasional air flight, to all of those places on my bucket list, after all I am not getting any younger you know (wink). I do know that, my creaky knees tell me that. I do need to get out and about while I can. If I have no-one to travel with I do need to go by bus and train and plane, donkey and camel if need be to the places on my bucket list. But it is lonely. And because there is no-one to share the memories with the memories do fade away a lot faster. One of the pleasures of travel for me has always been saying "remember when?"

And so I go forward one day at a time. I often think of that quote from John Lennon's song "Beautiful Boy" - "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." Or in my case no plans at all.