I find it hard to be home alone when I have been with family for a few days. I went up to visit with my daughter and her family on Monday and came home on Thursday, it is school break so I had the two grandchildren to talk to as well as my daughter and my son-in-law. The weather was drizzle in the main and so we didn't do anything special but it was good to be with them, to have some company, some talk and laughter and I do find it very quiet when I come home. They have two dogs which kept us amused with their antics too running around with their dog toys and chasing each other. It is good to see them all so settled in their new placing now.

The kids have been watching some old home movies of the time before Christopher was born so I saw Ray and Mum and Dad from the aspect of 16 years ago. It was a bitter/sweet experience to see them all happy and smiling and participating in family life. I felt an aching for those days when we seemed so happy, before the major strokes became a problem, before Dad's cancer debilitated him (we finished watching a few weeks before his death) and Mum's Alzheimers took over her life and took away her ability to think and prevented her from living a normal life. I wiped away a tear from time to time as I watched. It was hard to see Ray so vibrant and engaged in life and remember what his life became over the next few years.

It was a pleasant three days and I plan to do it at about three monthly intervals to give me a mini break. It is hard for me to go back to being alone after having been in a lively company. I see my neighbours come and go but they don't have time to talk, I see traffic come and go as all the young ones go to and from work. As autumn turns to winter and the days are shorter, darker and colder I always feel like this since becoming a widow so I know I need to work out what to do to keep myself busy and energised.

Of course I have places to go, things to do and I did go to the church for the Coffee Morning yesterday. We are trying to attract some of the people who pass the church who are probably just as lonely as I am. But yesterday only a couple of ladies came so it was not as we hope it will be in the future. I wonder what stops us from doing the things that will bring us new relationships and be beneficial to our well being? I have friends but a lot of them are busy with grandchildren, some have already started packing the caravan to take off up north to warmer climes for the winter and others have a routine, as I do, that prevents them from extending our relationship. As with other things it will sort itself out eventually.

I need to feel more comfortable in my home alone so that means I need to make some more changes. I can shut off the front two bedrooms in winter as I don't use them for much except visitors and storage so I don't need them open now. I need to rearrange the area where I watch TV and read and do handcraft as I have all the chairs in a row and it feels like I am waiting for others to come and sit down with me. I may never get over missing Ray being there but I have to put that to the back of my mind and not dwell on it. I probably need to move my phone closer and do a few other small things to make me feel cosier as I sit there. It is a part of a mind set isn't it? A single friend is fascinated with what I am going through as she has never had company so doesn't miss it, just lives in her own space. She says her home is her sanctuary but then she still works so her home is the place she comes back to to relax.

I do find some relief in what I do for the church, visiting the oldies in the nursing homes, talking to people about their needs and helping out at the Markets and Coffee Mornings, the Craft group and Messy Church. Messy Church is always fun as I love the interaction with the children. There is plenty to do but it is sporadic, it is not daily like going to work or coming home to a family. And that is the problem for a lot of us widows and widowers, we miss those closer relationships and long for the days when we were busy and involved in family life. And those days are not coming back.

I talk to other widows and they give me various pieces of advice, a lot are older than me and resigned to being alone. They often have a cat or small dog so maybe I need that. Other friends say not to get a pet as it will tie you down. A relationship I have been thinking about would also tie me down too much. The choice is always between loneliness and freedom isn't it?