It's May and I am still cold. Something about this month where the weather goes backwards here. One year I remember we had to beg for the heat to be turned back on in our building because it was so cold. I am still wearing a sweater and my winter coat. I know it's not me and my health issues because other people are doing the same. I cannot wait for Summer. I was hot one day and I loved it. Just hope the warmer weather stays a little bit longer this year. I feel like I have been in a jacket or sweater forever. We are also getting a lot of rain here. May is going to have a record number of days where we will have measurable rain. We are on day 15 I think.

I am still trying to figure out my surgery date. Some time after that I need to do a sleep apnea test. Urgg. I need a vacation from anything medical. Some days I just want to let go and say I am done with all these pills, appointment and tests. My iron levels didn't raise up like my doctor had hoped. My INR was 4.7 a few weeks ago so that might have been a factor in why my iron levels didn't go up. My INR is 2.4 now. I get my blood tested again in two weeks and I hope it is still at 2.4. I can't wait until I don't have to be on a blood thinner and baby aspirin any more.

My little one is no longer living with me. He and my ex are now gone. I feel bad saying this, but my life has been a little bit better(mentally) with them gone. Just my ex's dad is left. I'm not sure how long he will stay but I told him we will see how it goes month to month. He still stares at me but he is now in the other bedroom so I don't see him as much. He does help keep my place clean. My ex didn't talk to him about them living together. Dad was just abandoned. Yet, last year when they were evicted there was such a concern about where Dad is going to sleep. There is no concern about that now. From what my ex's dad told me, my ex is staying with a friend and other people who smoke and it's not cigarettes. Said they didn't know they smoked. Also heard that my ex smoked with them because they were being pressured. This hurts me because if it is true, I can't do anything to take my little one out of the situation since I am not blood related. I know I was a positive influence at one point with him, but trying to get myself healthy and trying to help was too much. It's sad that he wasn't even the issue. My ex just wants everything to be about them-self. When things don't go their way the whole world comes crashing down. I have prayed and will continue to pray for him that everything will be ok. I pray that he will see I only did things to help him to grow.

Despite everything, I try to stay positive. I have never been too much of a negative person. I only seem that way when I write my feelings down, but that's how I get things out. In person I always laugh and joke around. I want to continue to walk in peace even while the storm is raging around me. I'm just trying to better my life and keep on moving forward in the right direction. I know everything happens for a reason. One closed door means another one will open. God will restore everything that has been taken away from me and make me whole.