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About this blog

Emotional Roller coaster

Entries in this blog

Hello Again!

The last time I blogged it had been awhile. I said I would blog/write more, but that never happened.  Now that it seems my world is crashing, I am writing a blog.  Today marks the one year of my brother's death.  It is still hard to come to terms that he is gone.  To help cope with his loss, I sought out another therapist.  I had joined a meet up group after my second break up with my ex so life was going in the direction I wanted.  Then yesterday I get hit with my job duties being changed at wo

Punch1021

Punch1021

Hello 2017

Hello all,   It has been some time since I have done anything here. I told myself that I just need to post and stop thinking about it. I am happy to see another year. Holiday time was hard with my brother gone but I look forward to healing more this year. I have tried to keep myself busy so I just won't get bored and dwell on his death. I don't want to get into another seasonal depression. I want and choose to be happy. His death still hurts but I am still making peace with it.   If al

Punch1021

Punch1021

The New Normal

It's been some time since I have posted. I kept telling myself to do so because it's therapeutic to write what's going on. I can't bring myself to write in my diary so why not blog here. The past few months have been a blur and now I am settling back into my new normal. Whatever that may be. Nothing feels the same any more. Everything seems so different and at times I feel out of place. Before my brother passed away I knew I had to have surgery, but I couldn't set a date. I needed someone to

Punch1021

Punch1021

What's Next

The month of June has been a blur for me. Tomorrow will make two weeks since my brother's funeral. I am still in disbelief he is gone. Today I could have used some of his humor. Better yet to be with me and give me some comfort. When my brother was alive I would often think about how life would be if he could have texted me, called or better yet if he still wrote me a letter. But today I had to go to court and go by myself. I had to take my ex to small claims court. I didn't want it to go t

Punch1021

Punch1021

My Brother is At Peace

Last Monday my brother passed away. He is no longer in any pain. I was able to see him the Friday before that. He was on a ventilator and his eyes were covered but I was able to tell him I loved him. My mom told me to call his name and I did. He responded to me. She wanted me to do it over and over again but he only responded once. I had to tell her he is not going to keep responding. I played some of his favorite music and stayed with him when they took him off of the ventilator. My parents had

Punch1021

Punch1021

Update on My Brother

This past Friday my brother was breathing on his own and off the ventilator. They kept a tube in his throat in case he would need it again . When it seemed he was doing better he started having high temperatures. He has an infection.I talked to my mom about hospice/pallative care for him after I talked to his nurse. I felt so bad suggesting it but it helped when the doctor and case manager spoke to my mom. I didn't want them to talk to her first. My brother is back on the ventilator and I will b

Punch1021

Punch1021

My Brother Has CHF

My brother, who had strokes ten years ago, is in the hospital for CHF. Poor thing has fluid around his heart and lungs. He is now on a ventilator. His kidney's are also failing him. Our parents went to see him on Monday after getting a call from the hospital. My mom told me not to worry or come down because my brother has nine lives. My brother has been very close to death before but has survived. I can't help but to wonder how much his body can handle but I know we are a family full of fig

Punch1021

Punch1021

Still in Sweater's in May

It's May and I am still cold. Something about this month where the weather goes backwards here. One year I remember we had to beg for the heat to be turned back on in our building because it was so cold. I am still wearing a sweater and my winter coat. I know it's not me and my health issues because other people are doing the same. I cannot wait for Summer. I was hot one day and I loved it. Just hope the warmer weather stays a little bit longer this year. I feel like I have been in a jac

Punch1021

Punch1021

Is it Really Spring?

Not sure about other places, but it's cold here. Yesterday, it was 77. Today the high will be 48. So glad I am going home for my grandmother's birthday celebration in a few days. It will be much, much, much warmer in SC! I am so ready for the warm weather and my body is as well.   Last time I blogged, it was about my upcoming surgery. I have put that on hold. While trying to figure out who will help me, I need to raise my iron levels. So far so good! The iron pills are working. I get

Punch1021

Punch1021

Who Will Take Care of Me?

On March 7, I am scheduled for hopefully out patient surgery. I say hopefully because my doctor told me I am high risk and they might keep me overnight to monitor me. The surgery is nothing major but something I need to take care of. However, I might have to postpone it. First, I have to find a Hematologist to help clear me for this surgery. I actually need three other doctors to clear me for this procedure. Finding a Hematologist that will clear me in three weeks is a tall order. I nee

Punch1021

Punch1021

Is This Really Happening?

The day has come where my relationship with my son is almost at an end. I was right to be on guard when I thought things were getting better. My ex who never had an issue with how I talked to him before, now has an issue. I can't even ask him if he wants to go to church. I have to ask my ex and they will ask him if he wants to go. I have been taking him with me since November with no issue. He was upset because I poked him when he fell asleep in church. He can tell my ex he was upset abou

Punch1021

Punch1021

Hello 2016

Hello Everyone,   It has been only 12 day's in this New Year and I have been up, down and turned around already. But as I have mentioned to others, the only new thing about the New Year is that it's a new year. Same seat, but different toilet. Any who, I am happy about 2016 despite all of my circumstances. I long ago decided to make this year about working on me and allowing myself to heal. I need to learn that it's ok to be me. I think I have always had an issue with this but never really

Punch1021

Punch1021

Feels Like I am Going Backwards

I am sitting here at work as I do every day, kind of pretending that I know what I am doing. I know what I need to do, I just don't want to do it. I feel like my life is going backwards and not making any progress at all. It some ways it has, but in other ways it' hasn't. My home is falling apart. Literally. I am living at a condo where we are broke and the building I stay in needs a new roof. In fact all of our buildings either need a new roof or repairs. When it rains I have to have numer

Punch1021

Punch1021

Feeling Lonely

I have been sitting here at work trying to write this blog, but I keep changing it. First, I was writing about how lost I feel. However, the more I wrote the more I dug into my feelings and I realized how lonely I am. I have never felt this lonely around the holiday season before. Even last year after my strokes I don't remember feeling this way. What do the Lonely Do at Christmas? How do I step out to find more people? Will I ever get married or pretend to be a long term relationship again

Punch1021

Punch1021

And just like that Things Change

After my birthday I went on a cruise to Mexico and had a blast with my best friend. Next time I will drink more alcohol even though it will cause sugar spikes! Before I went on vacation I went home with my boy. It was such a good time. The last half of October was amazing. I had two weeks of travel and life was just awesome. I was looking forward to starting my game plan and work on me more...   Then just like that life takes me on another interesting path. Just like my strokes. My boy was evi

Punch1021

Punch1021

Another Year In the Books

Today I am 36 years young! My aunt sent me the perfect text. You are not getting old. You're parents are! I love my family. They are there when I need them. Very supportive last year when I had my strokes. They are the greatest. Last year at this time I was in the hospital waiting to be released after having my second stroke. I flew to my hometown the next day and received so much love from my family. This year for my birthday I am keeping it low key. I will party hard next week when I go on m

Punch1021

Punch1021

Depression is...

A BIG ole Mother Chugger. Like many of you I have depression and it's a real BEAST. Has anyone else ever felt your depression like any other disease? It's like you are sitting there and have that feeling it's like wow, freaking depression is back again. My doctor asked me if I wanted to see someone about it, I told her no, I see enough doctors already. Not sure if I can fit another one in! I am trying to "get rid" of some of my doctor's. No such luck. One doctors turns into another. At

Punch1021

Punch1021

All I Want Is Kale Greens

I could have a chili dog as well but right now the kale is on my mind. Kale Greens sound so simple right and healthy. But darn being on a blood thinner. Greens are top of the list for foods not to eat. I ate greens all the time before my strokes. I would go to the international super market and get five huge bags. I even have big pots for green. I was making them when I had the first stroke. Now I eat very little of it. Only because my doctor never told me I'm not supposed to eat them. Guess he

Punch1021

Punch1021

Big Bob's 45th Birthday

Today my big brother and fellow stroke survivor is 45 years old! :dunce: He looks good for an old man. :hehe: But I truly hope he is having a good day. My mom said she sent him a card and I will call him later. I wish I had money so we could go to see him on his birthday. Surprise him and take him out somewhere and give him a piece of cake. I am not sure if he can have cake, but it would be nice if he could have something speical.   My brother was known as Big Bob in high school because

Punch1021

Punch1021

One Year Anniversary Coming Up

Monday will mark the one year anniversary of my first stroke. Not sure if I can handle it. I will, but my emotions are shaky now just thinking about it. After I get over that anniversary hump it will be six weeks away from the second stroke. I will not be huddled in a corner crying but I will be probably be driven crazy at work. I am also going to see a surgeon about my thyroid and if I need a biopsy done. It's funny how many issues I am having now after my stroke. I have chronic kidney disease

Punch1021

Punch1021

Summer Vacation

I am home in my native state of South Carolina for a nice week long vacation. Before I drove here I had some anxiety about having another stroke. Just when I think I am over having them something triggers it. Maybe it's because of all the work I have been doing and the stress of my leaking ceiling is the blame. But nonetheless I made it home safe and sound. During my visit home I see a lot of family. My parents families have family reunions but I only went to see mothers side of the family. We

Punch1021

Punch1021

Living Alone The Joys of Work and living life.

For a month or so I have been living by myself. I am alone at home with just myself and my animals and I love it. Well there is the exception that my home has some ceiling leaks but that's another long story. I don't have anyone living with me anymore because I can now take care of myself after having two strokes. Nope I am alone now because I am not helping someone else. One of my biggest stress factors was having someone live with me and her three kids for almost four years. I only did

Punch1021

Punch1021

My Brother

I am writing this blog for my brother who has had multiple strokes and now living in a nursing home in GA. Maybe with this blog I can find some healing with his strokes. Bobby had his first stroke 9 years ago. He was supposed to come to town for grandma's 90th birthday. Instead he didn't show up and I was very upset with him. First thought was that he used his ticket money for drugs. How could he do that? This was a special day. I remember when we got back to our grandmothers home and he called.

Punch1021

Punch1021

Six Months Later...

April 11 made six months since I had my last stroke. I cried so much just thinking about last year. I haven't cried like that since I was in the hospital. I thought I had healed some mentally but nope. The wounds of last year are still fresh. My ex told me I am still recovering. Only decent thing they have said to me. I have been in denial about my own recovery. I thought I was at least ok. I am not ok. I just buried my feelings more. I'm hurt like I was six months ago. Maybe this wouldn't be s

Punch1021

Punch1021

Happy... for the moment

My strokes have made me one emotional girl. I am flying high one minute but fighting tears the next. Then there is me getting angry or frustrated at the drop of a hat. Being home with my parents for Thanksgiving has been great. It's always great to be home with family. It gives me a chance to escape everything thats going on. This year my high school went to the state championship in football. Even though we lost it was great seeing old classmates. For the state college rivalry game my team wo

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Punch1021