The New Normal
It's been some time since I have posted. I kept telling myself to do so because it's therapeutic to write what's going on. I can't bring myself to write in my diary so why not blog here. The past few months have been a blur and now I am settling back into my new normal. Whatever that may be. Nothing feels the same any more. Everything seems so different and at times I feel out of place. Before my brother passed away I knew I had to have surgery, but I couldn't set a date. I needed someone to take care of me and I needed to raise my iron levels. I told my mom about the surgery and she came and stayed with me for a week. If I ever have surgery again she will stay for two or more. I enjoyed our time together even though her driving scared me to death.
Besides healing from surgery, I am trying to heal emotionally. I started seeing a therapist before my brother passed, but I don't feel a connection with this therapist. I might try to see her one more time to see if it will go anywhere or I just need to start finding someone else. My primary doctor finally decided to pay attention to me and referred em to a new neurologist. He also specializes in sleep study. I won't be able to see him until Oct, but I am happy I will see someone who isn't hard to get a hold of.
I keep thinking about going back home. I just feel so much heartache here. I always look out thinking I will see my boy walking to school. I think about him every day. Very hard to put him in a place far away so I cannot think about him. I also think about my brother a lot and I am seeking him as well. I know he is dead, but sometimes something happens where the person who has passed let's you know they are there. I haven't had that happen yet with him. I know I need to stop looking for things that will not come, but it's hard. So very hard. This process is hard and sometimes I feel people are not sensitive to that. It's like it's happened so you need to move on. You look "strong" so you should always be "strong". I am strong but
I need someone to hold me and say it will be ok and I will need for them to keep on telling me. I don't have that person right now. I just have myself and it makes me feel lonely. I know things will get better, and it will be ok. It's just getting through it without falling apart.
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