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The New Normal



It's been some time since I have posted. I kept telling myself to do so because it's therapeutic to write what's going on. I can't bring myself to write in my diary so why not blog here. The past few months have been a blur and now I am settling back into my new normal. Whatever that may be. Nothing feels the same any more. Everything seems so different and at times I feel out of place. Before my brother passed away I knew I had to have surgery, but I couldn't set a date. I needed someone to take care of me and I needed to raise my iron levels. I told my mom about the surgery and she came and stayed with me for a week. If I ever have surgery again she will stay for two or more. I enjoyed our time together even though her driving scared me to death.


Besides healing from surgery, I am trying to heal emotionally. I started seeing a therapist before my brother passed, but I don't feel a connection with this therapist. I might try to see her one more time to see if it will go anywhere or I just need to start finding someone else. My primary doctor finally decided to pay attention to me and referred em to a new neurologist. He also specializes in sleep study. I won't be able to see him until Oct, but I am happy I will see someone who isn't hard to get a hold of.


I keep thinking about going back home. I just feel so much heartache here. I always look out thinking I will see my boy walking to school. I think about him every day. Very hard to put him in a place far away so I cannot think about him. I also think about my brother a lot and I am seeking him as well. I know he is dead, but sometimes something happens where the person who has passed let's you know they are there. I haven't had that happen yet with him. I know I need to stop looking for things that will not come, but it's hard. So very hard. This process is hard and sometimes I feel people are not sensitive to that. It's like it's happened so you need to move on. You look "strong" so you should always be "strong". I am strong but

I need someone to hold me and say it will be ok and I will need for them to keep on telling me. I don't have that person right now. I just have myself and it makes me feel lonely. I know things will get better, and it will be ok. It's just getting through it without falling apart.


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Just close your eyes for a moment and let me be the first to put my arm around you and give you the biggest hug you ever had. I personally believe that you have to connect with your therapist for it to work. Sometimes it takes awhile to make that connection, just like any other relationship. Being lonely is difficult but you have to hang in there and keep your heart open. The more you extend yourself socially the more opportunity there is for a friend to walk into your life, until then be your own best friend, and do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. Happy people attract other happy people.I really sense something beautiful in you, a heart full of love. I think you will make it because I also sense strength. love to you.

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Hi there, I missed you!  My sincere condolences and huge hugs....I understand how hard it is for you to lose your brother.  Our siblings are often our best friends.  I lost a sister 13 years ago on her 46th birthday, and another sister almost 9 months ago (December 27, 2015) aged 38.  Both died of aneurysms, and sometimes I find myself questioning why I survived this and they didn't.  


Don't worry about having to say goodbye to your brother....I haven't said goodbye to my sisters, and I'm going to leave it that way!  The heart ache you are feeling will fade with time, but I've found it never goes completely away.


Dear friend, I agree 100% with Pearls comment regarding your beautiful soul, your ease to love, and your strength.  It took all these qualities to write your blog.  


Lots and lots of love!  Lin

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Please do think of me as giving you a big hug too.  I hug some of the widows in my church, I know it is the only hug they will get all week. Yes, you will always miss your brother and it is logical you also miss the boy you thought of as your son.  I do understand that. Just try making a few small changes in your routine and see if that helps. Sometimes it does.  The therapist cannot help you if you feel no connection so maybe see if you can find someone else.  I was lucky with my grief counselor as she was trained to be a listener as I was when I was on the Suicide Line so I understood what she was trying to get me to see. Keep on blogging, it is another way to sort things out in your mind.  Hopefully you get some peace of mind.

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Has i was reading this, I was hugging you. Time is a healer, but also if you need to cry go ahead, it is good to relase


it, and getting it out of your soul. I think you are so brave, and a good person inside, look how you chose to blog


good for you. I am sorry for your lost. I have found me a church, with a wonderful Women's group. I now have People that I can call or text


and that helps. You are in my thoughs and prayers.



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