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What's Next



The month of June has been a blur for me. Tomorrow will make two weeks since my brother's funeral. I am still in disbelief he is gone. Today I could have used some of his humor. Better yet to be with me and give me some comfort. When my brother was alive I would often think about how life would be if he could have texted me, called or better yet if he still wrote me a letter. But today I had to go to court and go by myself. I had to take my ex to small claims court. I didn't want it to go to that level, but my ex is stubborn. So am I. I had filed the claim almost two weeks before my brother died. I was going to wait, but my brother at that time was getting better. He didn't know what was going on, but it was like he was telling me it's ok. Go ahead and do what you have to do and I did. I had mentioned to my therapist about my brother and going to court. She then gave me some legal advise and said I wouldn't win. Also, she said was it worth losing the relationship of my boy by going to court. I was kind of in shock she had said that. But I didn't make that decision about not being able to see him again, my ex did long before I even filed the claim. My ex made it clear that night we had a fight and over some text, I was not going to see him again and it was my fault they are no longer staying there.


Today we saw a mediator first to work things out and we did come to an agreement. Even though my ex had lied, I agreed to the settlement. What would be the point in not agreeing and having to go to trial. The agreement was very close to what I originally wanted. I told the mediator that I still wanted to see my boy and could she help with that. She tried but my ex didn't want to talk and just left. I wanted to give my ex my brothers obituary to at least give to my boy, but didn't even look at it. My ex never looked at me while we were in the room. One thing I have learned to do is to sit straight up and look people in the eye no matter the circumstances. My ex (as always) looked worn out and the world (me) is always trying to hurt them. But it's ok. I didn't expect us to be friends or make peace. I have made peace in knowing I will not see the little one again. That I will always be the reason why they were kicked out even though I didn't do it. The mediator was trying to be positive in saying "Maybe when your ex is better off things can get better." However, I know that will not happen. I am glad though this has been settled. I can close this chapter in my life.


So now after these big blows and my 2 year stroke anniversary is coming up, I feel kind of out there stating to myself What's Next? What do you have in store for me life? Just when I think I am finding my happy, I get a curve ball and seems like something gets taken away. Why must anything be taken away? I just want all this pain, hurt to go away.


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So sorry you had to go through all of that, in court cases there are no winners. You have had a couple of bad years so hopefully there are some good times ahead now.

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Just hang onto the mantra "tough times don't last" you will get through this and you will find your happy again.  As you say that chapter is closed for now and maybe your boy will change his mind in a few years and come looking for you, but if you keep waiting for that to happen it'll hurt too much if it doesn't so you do need to put that thought on a top shelf and not let it hurt you anymore.


Hugs from this side of the world,


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I am sorry for the pain and hurt you are going through.  Think that your brother is with the Lord, and he is watching and cheering you on.  Think  happy thoughs, stop looking back, look forward, and after the rain comes the sunshine. 


I agree  with Heather, when your boy grows up, he may come and see you, if it happens, great if not, life has to go on. Don't let it left you. With life is hope, grab it, and get moving. Yes it is hard, but Life is not a rose garden, it is what you make it.


Let your hopes, not your hurts shape your future.



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