A BIG ole Mother Chugger. Like many of you I have depression and it's a real BEAST. Has anyone else ever felt your depression like any other disease? It's like you are sitting there and have that feeling it's like wow, freaking depression is back again. My doctor asked me if I wanted to see someone about it, I told her no, I see enough doctors already. Not sure if I can fit another one in! I am trying to "get rid" of some of my doctor's. No such luck. One doctors turns into another. At least for this week I have a break from them but I should have seen my primary this week. I am anxiously waiting for all of my blood test to come back to see if I have Lupus. My ANA was negative this time but I do not see the other blood test for Lupus. Not sure if that is a good sign or not. Why release some of your blood test, but not all? Then for my health summary the doctor or rather the intern I met that was helping my primary put Lupus on my health summary. Umm, why are you putting that up there when I haven't' been diagnosed yet. If I don't have it why is it up there? Can I just go home and cry now?
Since the seasons are about to change, I am having a hard time dealing with it. I am not a huge Fall person. It gets cold and it gets darker earlier. But, my birthday is in the Fall, football is in the Fall. I usually travel to warm destinations in the Fall. With all that I should be happy! I am but then that sneaky depression creeps in. I try to stay positive and be active but I don't want to let go of that good feeling. Going to sleep seems like that feeling will end. After my strokes, I just stay up at night fighting sleep. I don't remember doing this before my strokes. I am usually a night person, but I go to sleep so I can go to work. If I stay up it's on the weekends and I don't have to get up early. Now it's hmm almost 12am, I am tired, I need to fall asleep. Yet, even though I am tired, I don't fall asleep. When I do sleep I am still tired. At some point I need to fit in that sleep test. But I just hate feeling sad and lost right now. I just need a huge positive health turn around right now.