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The First Year in The Little Pink House


HostTracy

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We moved into the house in February of 2014. I retrieved all the vital things out out of their box homes and began to fill my new little abode that was heaven sent. Before we actually moved into the home we (Myself, my Daughter, my Husband, my Mom, and my Step Dad) wiped down all the walls and baseboards and then painted the two bedrooms. My daughter picked out her color(a beautiful bright lavender) and I picked out our bedroom color (Sandstone) and we brightened up the rooms quite a bit. We painted all the baseboards and molding a bright glossy white. Our bathroom was repainted a deep Taupe. We felt a breath of ease sleeping that first night in our own beds for the first time in three months. My job was a pretty high paced demanding one. I did lots of things on a daily basis. One thing that was hard for me was the inconsistency in the hours each week. At least 2 days per week I did the accounting office. I had to be at work at 5 am on those days. The remainder of the 3 days I would have one of three different shifts (morning 6 am-2:30 pm) (mid shift 11:30 am-8 pm) or (night 3:30 pm-Midnight). This varied every week and each week was a different schedule. So to say the least this was pretty hard on my body and mind. We also only had one car at the time and used it to get me back and forth to work and my Daughter back and forth to school and for whatever else we needed to do away from home. My husband (remember he is not working) is sort of old fashioned...he is from Argentina and is Italian. By the way he is a great cook. I was the one who did everything though laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, planning, changing sheets, vacuuming, dusting...you name it I did it except for chauffeuring me and my daughter around he did that as well as work on the car, carry heavy things, be protective. For me it was a lot of responsibility. At work myself and my manager were responsible for passing with the highest numbers we could on our LP audit every quarter. We also managed the front end...each cashier, customer service and the clerks, baggers, the flow of customer traffic, lots of paperwork, the schedule, interviewing, hiring, firing, ordering supplies, making sure the bathrooms were clean always, floor sweeps (baggers), leaving only 5 or less carts that are not corralled in the parking lot at any given time, ensuring there were never more than 10 carts on the lot at any given time, answering non stop phone calls, overseeing issues with customers, registers, time management, and knowing our bottom end for the day and where we were at the hour so we could know when to call more people or send people home. There is so much more but I just can't remember all of it. Anyway I was stressed. REALLY STRESSED. My body was always hurting, and I would get sick often (I would work through unless I were basically collapsing because every hour I worked meant money we need to use.). I had a lovely pink home to come to every night but my stress began to just grow. I never made it to unboxing everything so we had a whole half a living room stacked with boxes. I just couldn't find the energy. My stress was beginning to be really out of hand but I didn't go to the Doctor. I don't have the money for a Dr.'s appt. so I would tell myself just to push through. All year long my stress and anxiety grew exponentially...by Christmas I was just depressed and I didn't do very much to decorate or celebrate...

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I just cannot understand why we as women think that just going on will fix our problems.  I think the anxiety attacks I had after Ray died were simply symptoms of the exhaustion I was suffering from.  Yours led to having a stroke instead. We both learned from those experiences  I guess.

 

I am so enjoying reading your story.  Thanks for blogging it here.

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Sue I think you have a very important point. If I had just taken a moment and took care of myself. What I have learned "the hard way" for lack of better wording is that I can't do it all. It is too much weight for me to carry. I shouldn't have then and I can't allow it now. Remember that old "women's intuition"? My body was telling me to stop, slow down take some of this weight off your shoulders because I'm sinking. I heard it but chose to ignore it. All the while I was sinking further and further. I should have made myself go to the Doctor and say can you help me and I should have told my family that I needed help. Wonder woman only existed on the television. So many women I feel find themselves in this same scenario just different circumstances more and more. It's no wonder why the rate of women having strokes has increased as well as the age is lowering. Today's circumstances predict that we as women must work outside the home to make ends meet for our families a lot of the time. But many of those same women also do the majority of the work inside our home. This is by no means saying anything derogatory toward men at all. I just realize that men and women are different and always will be. Society tells us we should be equal but I think for a very long time and even now that women give themselves so much less credit than we deserve. Being equal has nothing in my opinion about being to do the same exact things its just how you rate "these things" importance. I hope that made sense without completely getting off track.

 

Tracy

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Tracy what you have written makes a lot of sense. From time to time we all need to slow down and reassess the situation.  I am a widow now so my time is my own but I know I always overfill it, then I have a reaction, get overtired, start berating myself for not coping etc. Each decade we need to reassess what it is appropriate for us to do.  As I near 70 I need to do what 70 year olds do not what 50 year olds do if I want to make it to 80 and beyond as a healthy woman.

 

Thanks for your insights, we all need to hear it one more time.

 

Sue.

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Sue you are so very welcome. The first person I might add that needs to hear this and be reminded of my own words is me. I'm great at dishing it but I am determined to get just as good at scooping it up. :)

 

Tracy

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Tracy :

 

I know post stroke we are riddled with all the whatifs, but as I am learning in my post stroke journey is that *beep* just happens sometimes. nothing you could have changed about. I feel bringing this drastic change in your life is God's way of bringing new blessings in your life.  & waking us from our sleepwalking through life.Sometimes in life these kind of wildfires are necessary in life to burn all the dead weeds inside so that spring of regrowth can occur.That's how I feel about my stroke.  hope you can find & see new blessings & beginnings in your bad situation. Nothing lasts forever good time or bad time. So just live each day to best of your ability.

 

Asha

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Asha I think what you said is very true. I think in a way I feel the same as you. When you can't see past the now or eve see the now then God has a way of opening your eyes. What I am writing right now is memory and I don't feel the same way about myself now...this is just my journey. I struggle with choices a lot and am getting better and better at seeing the now especially the things that touch me inside. Like today I noticed that my potted flower is attracting beautiful yellow butterflies. I really enjoyed watching them go from flower to flower. Thank you.

 

Tracy

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