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Everything Was Feeling Routine Until...



As I went along my weeks of therapy I didn't even miss occupational therapy. It honestly was just my anxiety...change. I worked harder in Physical Therapy and got my daily walking up to 25 minutes per day (doesn't seem like a lot but for me it was a milestone) I was balancing better than ever, doing the challenge courses all set up so much better. I was feeling good. That is when Barbie told me we were going down to one day per week instead of two. Again, there goes my anxiety when I should feel really good that I am doing well. Once again in speech therapy I was a crying mess. No matter that I knew it was a triumph it came out as anxiety and tears. This was December 2015 and I left that day ready to take on and accept my new changes. This was sometime in the middle of the week and on Friday, Adrian and I were driving my daughter down to her Meme's Christmas Party. Her dad would be there and she had not seen him since she was 15 (18 last year) and she was a bit upset and nervous so we decided we would stay close in case she needed to leave a bit early. It was dark when we began driving (remember I don't do so well in the dark and we had already realized that physical therapy was really not changing that). It started raining as we got out of Nashville. We were headed south for about an hour to get where we were going. My anxiety was already raised due to dark and now the rain and then all the sudden the rain came down so hard that I couldn't see anything in front of me and it sounded like bullets hitting the windshield. I closed my eyes and covered my ears and then started having a very very bad panic attack. We had to pull over at the first exit we saw and drove into a lighted covered area at a gas station. I could not stop...I was inconsolable, I couldn't remove my hands from my ears and every word that came out was stuttered over and over and over again. I finally got myself to stop crying and laid my seat back and just closed my eyes until we could make it into town. We dropped my daughter off and Adrian took me to Quiznos for a sandwich. I wouldn't get out so he went in and got us something to eat and we just went and parked in an empty but lit parking lot. After eating, I just laid my head on his shoulder and cried myself to sleep. Once we arrived back at her Meme's party I went in (Mistake#1) to get her because I had to use the restroom. My ex was there right as you come in the door....I had just met his new girlfriend who has a 1 year old (not his) outside and as soon as I tried to say a word (I was trying to say I have to use the restroom) all I could say is I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I and I stood there bawling and sucking in my breath between wails. I freaked everyone out. My ex mother-in-law came over and hugged me and took me away from the excitement in the living-room and I got out that I had to use the restroom. I quickly did and excused myself and Hailey soon followed. From that moment I stuttered non stop for almost 2 months...


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