I need an attitude adjustment. I know it, and I can't blame it on hormones; genetics maybe. The women on my mother's side of the family talk about us all having "the streak". They say the streak has been passed down for many years, and they all referred to it long before I was around. The women in my family are usually polite to a fault. You can push your luck quite far before we snap, but when we are pushed too far, the streak comes out and watch out. You will probably have no idea what the hell just happened- it is that fast and furious. Today, my streak is a mile wide.

So here is my rant. I want to rant because I deserve to rant and I am tired of feeling guilty. What has me in such a state??? I dunno know. I think it is a cumulative effect of many little things.

1)While Patrick is in therapy is often the only time I have for just ME. I of course often feel guilty if I do not stay for his therapy, because I wonder if he needs me there. Then I feel guilty if his family asks me what has happened today in therapy and I don't know because I wasn't there. I stay for it sometimes, but I still feel like I am letting him down, not staying there more.

2) Patrick had a 30 minute gap between therapies today. I asked him if he wanted me to come back during the break and we could hang out together until his next session, or if he thought he could handle waiting on his own. He wanted me to come back. I don't blame him, I wouldn't want to sit in a waiting room for 30 minutes either, but damn. I just want a little time FOR ME.

3) I am working 40 hrs a week- but it's considered part-time because I am only working 4 days a week, and our managers are required to work 5. They are letting me have the extra day off for now, but these days are VERY numbered. I am scared they will tell me soon I need to work that extra day soon, and it already seems I am unable to keep up as it is. I am tired most of the time, and I haven't had my 9 hours of sleep in 5 months. I know 9 hours is a luxury to anyone... let alone someone dealing with a family crisis. But the fact that it is a luxury does not change the fact that this is the amount of sleep I need to feel rested and rejuvenated. I can't change the biological clock.

4)CAN NO ONE BUT ME HEAR THE DOG WHINING THAT SHE NEEDS TO GO OUT IN THE MORNING????

OH YEAH, AND ANOTHER THING

5) I want to be able to be mad from time to time without anyone telling me "tomorrow's a new day". Don't get me wrong. 99% of the time, I like to hear, that YES, we will get through this. But sometimes... SOMETIMES I just want my family or friends to say "YA! You have every right to be mad. " ...or... " I know, and that sucks." How about- "It's NOT fair!" or my personal favorite thing to hear... "YOU"RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!" Sometimes I want someone to be angry right along with me and not try to "cheer me up". It feels like when people tell me to "turn my frown upside down" they are just trying to keep me from being a downer and not recognizing that what I am saying is valid or even NOT valid. It sometimes seems like it is said so people don't have to actually deal with WHAT I am saying.

So today I have become the epitome of what my horoscope magnets say I am. Damn that magnet. I will be standing in the corner now until I can come out and play nice. I better pack a bag, this could be a while!!!

(I do very much appreciate the kind words and thoughts. Everyone here has been very nice, supportive and helpful. Thanks!)

Kristen