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Changing Times


HostTracy

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What can I say it has been a rough week. This week for some reason I fell depressed and anxious...to the point where I did nothing for 4 days or maybe 5. I did see my Psychiatrist and we discussed all of these issues. For the first time since I have seen Dr. Chalfant, I broke down in his office. I just couldn't stop it from coming and my answers seemed to all be "I don't know". Even on beautiful days getting out of bed or just not sleeping was a huge challenge. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflection to try and give myself some possible answers so I can start that steep climb out.

 

One: time has changed figuratively and literally. The spring time change is usually very positive for me but this year it was harder than I can ever remember. Two: Hailey moved into her own apartment and she is really enjoying it but I think this is affecting me way more than I realize. Three: Adrian is working the longest hours every day and he is exhausted. His work week is like up at 4am...work til 6pm or 7pm...eat...have ice cream...and pass out (over and over and over). Four: The double whammy...because I am here by myself so much like all the time. Hailey is gone, Adrian is a visitor and I am lonely. 

 

I think these things have made me blue. I also do believe that my anxiety has been higher recently. I have had minor medication changes but anything even small can have its' effects. No matter, I have to climb out of this. It doesn't just disappear without my effort. So I have been trying to pay close attention to my daily schedule and make myself do things. Replacement is not always the answer but I have to start somewhere. I have been making myself get outside and do little things like pick up twigs, tidy the gardening things, put up a small bird feeder and trying to make plans for this years gardening projects.

 

Today I am feeling a bit better...more hopeful. I have reflected on how much improvement I have accomplished since the stroke happened. It's hard for me to remember but I am making a point to do so. I sometimes don't give myself enough thought or credit for the hurdles I have crossed. I went from the inability to walk except barely with a walker to a gardener, home cook, a driver, a walker on my own two feet, a blogger, a planner whether I get it all done or not. I have a lot of triumphs I can be proud of. My desire to improve is still there. My need to learn about myself is forefront and I stop to see the beautiful things that I once didn't think about. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter. I believe that sometimes we need to do before we reap internal feeling. Push through...fight...believe all whether we see the positive or not. It will catch up and wash over you.

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Tracy, you have just written a beautifully balanced blog.  You can see that things that need to be changed and that is a challenge, but you can also see how far you have come.  You will do it, the seasonal changes are always difficult, for me too as we have just gone off Daylight saving and I sprang out of bed an hour early this morning, what would have been the usual time last week so now I have missed out on an hour's sleep. But we will both adjust as time goes by.

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Tracy :

 

you are doing great, focusing on positive things you can still do does make you feel better. life is all about adapting to new changes brought in our life. you must be o proud of your daughter that she is doing so well on her ow. take the bow  & credit for raisng her well.

 

Asha

 

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hi tracy,

I have read your letter to (us).  my thought is that you are pushing boundaries, pushing your boundaries. it is the highest thing we can do, aspire to do. in the past I was a long distance runner (never a marathon) and read the story of a person named patty hearst. I hope I did not tell you the story before.  anyway patty was a dwarf with other physical hardships. and on the day of the boston marathon she had her marathon.  it started at the starting line of the marathon. it was 26 yards. not 26 miles. and she did it! in a 1/2 hour.  she trained for this. she met and exceeded her boundary, and I was ever bit as inspired by what she did as the winner of the marathon itself.

 

what you are doing I thing of in the same way. keep going tracy.

 

david

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