Standing up

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standing up for my self as a caregiver



I have been Dans caregiver for 6 years . 4 at home with me and the last 2 in the nursing home. ARGGGHHHHH .... I try and I try.. but his brain injury is just to profound and the OCD seems to get worse daily. His life is so limited. Because of himself - of course the stroke is the real culprit. But the daily manipulations continue. Yesterday I pick him up from the nursing home, take for lunch at Mc Donalds --#8 coke with no ice..... barf... but it is his choice every day, and I know why. It is always the same every day - no changes - no surprises. But anyhow I get him his food and had planned to have him come to my work and hang out. We didn't have clients scheduled just a lot of research ( I work for an ATTY) its a private business so I can do those things. I and Dan are blessed in that aspect. So at least once a week he does that. This week he was gonna get 2 trips to the office. Well I was driving and I rubbed the curb with the car tire. And he just had to go ballistic, -- I am so tired of it, tired of my own - ( oh my god--opps, *beep*, hit that curb) But his reaction the LOUD yell and the look of contempt, and barrage of name calling....... he can't tell me the color of his underwear, but he sure can tell me off. I care why, I mean this has played out in 100's of ways - 100's of times. But it breaks me everytime. This time I took him back to the nursing home . and left...... Of course that afternoon later my sister MY sister had mad a date with him to go to the movies .... Notice I said MY sister -- ( DAN has 6 siblings , haven't seen any or his mother in 3 years ) Damn thats a awesome family- right-. Again I look for something that is not there . I expect kindness from a man who is void of it. But my sister even though she is devastated for me, followed through and he got his movie date. But I don't want to see him for awhile. I don't want to punish him, he can't even remember what transpired. But my heart, broken so many times. The kids - are taking him to church tonight and out to eat. 

The kids feel they do a lot and they do, with dan. But of course its not daily. its once a week for them, for me it is 2x day , most days. For the kids lucky enough to move away from this crap. it is a couple times a year. They will breeze in give suggestions and just don't get my resentfulness. I love him, (DAN) I Love my kids, I love my sister - whose main goal is to just keep me sane.... lol --- I am just venting.... Its all about me right ------- at least on my little blog--- on my little island, I come to, called stroke net. 


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I hear you , can't change what is, all you can do is take care of you!!    Keep on keepin' on.     When you're ready for a vacation, we'll still be in AZ but farther out near Casa Grande after June.   We get the good, the bad and the ugly, but somehow we still manage.  




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I used to get some verbal abuse too, with Ray it was a reaction and I think a sense of helplessness.  I tried my best not to have it matter,  He was so right, he would have done things a lot  If only...  Hope you can get over this Nancy, I know it is hard to at times.

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I get that verbal abuse from William.  I try not to let it bother me.  This usually happens if he is confused or tired,. He can't remember an hour later.  You are doing well.

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Well, I guess it is safe to say you are not alone.  I, also have these moments of "outburst" by my husband.  I had a therapist say to me one day when my husband was talking rough and shouting not so nice things that it is the stroke talking not my husband.  I have carried that with me over the past two years and it makes it a whole lot easier to allow these moments to roll off my shoulders, as well as, out of my head. It is very hard to watch someone you love act inappropriately. Likely, even harder when you know they can't control what they are doing or that they will forget.  Before, my husband had a stroke one of the things that happened in our house was with our dog misbehaving.  He would scold him and put him in a pen for time out.  It used to drive me crazy because I didn't think it needed to go as far as confining him.  Anyway, after the time out was over our dog would always be so affectionate toward us.  My husband would always say..."It is a new day!"  Meaning the slate is clean and we will start like nothing ever happened.  So, I use that same mantra when my husband has his moments.  Later he is always calm and speaks to me with kindness (which is my sign that he truly appreciates all that I do) and I think to myself..."It is a new day."

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