Oh Nancy, How horrible you must feel. Do not beat yourself up over this.  Tell him NO you are not going to take him to the toilet your dinner will get cold, he needs to call the aid. If he has an objection to a particular aid then that's something you might be able to help him with, but he lives there now because you could no longer do this stuff for him and you are a visitor not an aid.  He's trying to guilt trip you, don't succumb. Time for tough love.  Point out to him that when he doesn't shower he's not nice to visit and next time you come if he hasn't showered you won't stay. and stick to it.

You need to make sure that when you are there you do not do anything he should have an aid do. If he asks you to do something that an aid should do call the aid and step back until it's done. If he wants to play control games take back the power.

When you visit you need to do the things the aids won't/can't like play games and go for a walk.  Help him to distinguish between care activities and visiting activities

Hugs its not a nice situation to be in.

-Heather

I agree with Heather.  Paid workers are available so you do not need to do it.  Say: "Sorry my dear, it's not going to happen".  Smile and walk away. Sanity says you need to make a stand, but it depends on how you feel.  (((hugs)))

 I can not even put myself in your shoes. See I was that way. I wanted to do it myself. I know not always safe but I wanted to do it

Nancy, Dan has been spoilt into believing you will do anything to appease him, and look where it got YOU.   It didn't help him any either.   I don't know what his answer is, but I do know that the sooner he realizes he is not the king and everyone else the peons, that life will move more smoothly.    I'm glad you sutck up for yourself, that means your head is in the right place, and no more mind control games on you!   Good job!

Nancy, on top of everything else you seemed to be consumed by anger and negativity, from McDonald's "crappy" food to the nursing home to Dan. I understand those feelings but they only make things worse for you. Somehow you need to conquer your own dark side, which, again, is perfectly understandable. Your husband seems miserably unhappy and severely depressed. I think he wants to die rather than continue in his present state. I understand that, too. I might even feel the same were I in his situation. I wish I could tell you how to get your mind around all of this. I believe it starts by focusing more on Dan and less on your reaction to his situation and his behavior. Again, easier said than done. I get that. But the more you look the more you nurture empathy and understanding, which might make it easier to put up with Dan's behavior. I hope you are not totally alone as you fight through all of this. I believe you have adult children. I hope they are providing you steady support. Maybe you are spending too much time with Dan. Your regular visits seem to leave you feeling miserable. So why not limit them a bit? Maybe your kids could fill the void. Maybe Dan doesn't really want a lot of visitation. Have you discussed this with him? Sometimes folks just want to be left alone in their darkest hours. I'm like that. Maybe your husband is too. In any event I wish you the best in a bad situation. You've been through a lot as has your husband. Life gave him a cruel blow and I'm sure he didn't deserve it. I'm sure you didn't either. Good luck, Nancy. You are not as alone as you may think.

Nancy, you have spent years being TOO EMPATHETIC with Dan, and I feel (just my own feelings, ok?) that it was only an enabler to him thinking he could get away with anything, because he was 'brain damaged'.     Dan is not like Bob.    Bob is thankful to still be here, and have a chance to enjoy the sun and the days of being alive.   Dan is angry and belligerent, and wants to take everyone down to be as miserable as he is.    And he's already achieved that goal with you, nearly destroying you, while you struggled to show compassion, he'd poop all over the bed, waiting till it was time for you to leave, or throw and hit you with a full jug of urine.    You've earned your stripes, and your new job is taking care of NANCY!    You did the right thing, and I'm proud of you for finally seeing that Nancy matters.   Love ya!

Seems to me you are trying to reason with someone who cannot reason.  Always a lost cause. You are reacting to Dan as if he were able to control who he is. Might I suggest that he is unable to control his personality and decisions. Stroke can affect any part of the brain including emotions, personality, decision making, incontinence.  This is what brain damage looks like.  Don't take it personally. It doesn't have to make sense. You are blaming him which is causing you more anger, frustration, and resentment.  At some point you need to let go. No matter how much you love him love is not going to make it better. That is a harsh reality. I watched my mother go thru Alzheimers and she became very belligerent towards those she was closest to.  You cannot take it personally. I also had a friend with brain damage from a car accident, same thing. Is Dan on meds for his anxiety, depression? That is the first thing I would address. If he is, perhaps they need to be changed to something else. Talk to his doctor. From me to you, many hugs.