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Almost hurts too much to share



I just feel like I have to get this off my chest or I'm going to burst. Right now I really need to get my spinal RFA and I'm having to ask the doctor to up my medication because it has been 4 months. I needed it scheduled at the 3-month Mark I can't go beyond that I've told them before. But they were trying to get me in again for the surgery which I have not been well I've had multiple sinus issues in fact I'm going to see a specialist for a second time and get a CT scan this week. That's something minor but it's caused me to have to take antibiotic I don't know if there's something that can improve my not getting so many sinus infections because I've certainly tried everything except to having my nasal cavity drilled bigger and I'm not really think I'm ready to even discuss this treatment. You know there's some the treatment she just might not want to do in life. So anyway I just don't know that I'm healthy enough to go through a surgery. I need to recover from all of the different things that have popped up this year such as my shortness of breath my excessive swelling they put me down as having congestive heart failure but no COPD thankfully but I have pulmonary hypertension which they say well they could do something to improve the blood flow to the lung if they decide that it becomes necessary to so I can't even think about all these things all I know is that I need to get in for a mammogram and all of the things that I needed to do or wanted to do in December is being overshadowed once again this is a horrible horrible demon pain. I mean I go from somebody who's smiling and playing bingo on the weekend to somebody that laying in bed or sitting in the chair and suffering trying not to move. It's all kinds of pain. There's the stinging the burning the stabbing and about any kind of medieval torture that's what's going on on my leg.


But I did go out on Thanksgiving with my son. I had a wonderful day. We like to play video game. We went to a buffet and we not only had turkey but we enjoyed Lobster as well. My son let me order something and so I was really happy and look forward to getting it for Christmas as he is always very generous and grants my wishes and then some. I only wish that I could do the same for him but I guess I did do a lot of that for a long time. But it was just so good to see him and to experience the love he has for me and to feel the love I have for him and we're not shy about expressing and saying it. But as I write this I'm crying because you see that day that Thanksgiving day that I was so thankful for reconnecting with my daughter something just Dreadful happened. When I call the number I got a recording that said it had been disconnected and was no longer in service. So I called her boyfriend's number and it said that I was blocked. So Panda King I immediately opened up the Google Drive where she had sent me many pictures the saying that it was too many to email that this was a better place to look at the pictures and it was gone it wasn't on Google Drive anymore. I guess I was blocked as a user. I mean she just erased me out of her life again. I've gone over and over and over what I ever said to her and I always said how much I missed and loved how many times I wanted to apologize for anything I did and she kept saying that it wasn't about me I hadn't done anything and she acted like I had nothing to be sorry for and what I asked and why she kept saying that it had to do with her. I kept telling her how proud I was of her and the life that she put together for herself. To tell you the truth I am forgotten how many times I talk to her I could go back and count them though I remember and what we talked about I need one because there wasn't that many. And I always kind of felt that because her boyfriend was around and she was talking to him off and on I just felt like she didn't give me much attention during our conversation. But anyway it seems like she wanted to make sure that I knew about the other grandmas in the family her boyfriend's mother and the baby father's mother that my grandson has stayed with which made me feel like an utter failure. But it also hurt me because I felt like she had never brought him around to meet me and visit I could have met her out in the community somewhere even at one of my Hospital appointment we could have gone out and I just don't understand why she never brought him around me that I was somehow those terrible mother that didn't deserve to have contact with the child. But we also talked about how she went and thought out her absent father that since he left when she was a baby she never knew. And I said well I hope that you don't allow your child around a man who was not legally allowed to raise his own children. And she says oh no oh no. It kind of felt like a betrayal but yet I told her that I understand that she wanted to see it for herself and see if she did she said. But I don't know what to believe about anything she ever said during any of those conversations because on Thanksgiving morning when I went to call her I couldn't reach her I couldn't reach the boyfriend and I've been blocked from the pictures. So my best friend trying to cheer me and give me hope said maybe it had to do with the phone service maybe she didn't pay the bill maybe this maybe that but it all comes down to know I was certainly intentionally blocked I kept telling her how proud I was of her and the life that she put together for herself. to tell you the truth I am forgotten how many times I talked to her I could go back and count them though I remember and what we talked about any John because they wasn't that many. And I always kind of felt that because her boyfriend was around and she was talking to him and I didn't feel like I got the attention during the call. And then she told me how she went and looked up her absentee father but since he had left when she was an infant she never knew. I said well I certainly hope that she wasn't having that child around him because he was not legally allowed to raise his own children. She assured me she wasn't but it did feel like a betrayal but I tried to understand her need to see it for herself. All of that was so unimportant I just was so happy hearing her voice. I always hoped I would hear it again but I didn't know what to hope for. But then I found out she had been close to me a few times when she came to visit friends and I just ask her why didn't she come see me the baby to see me and she just cut me off and said well the priority was for the baby. As if a nursing home or something that was going to be a bad thing on a baby. But I did find out that and it appears to be at a boyfriends house and she met the boyfriend because the mother was there at the hospital when the young man had a lung transplant and so she was offered a place to come live out of the Ronald McDonald House and that was a few years ago and she's been there and then the man tells the part of his family she's not married but I want to she says. But when I was talking to her I caught her in quite a few lies about things she kept saying how she loved the baby's father so much and had to work it out that taking a nice parenting plan Etc. But as I recall she said she did not love the baby's father and that the baby was an accident but she was going to have the baby and she couldn't decide whether she was going to give him up for adoption or not but then of course when he had congenital problems that needed surgeries that was off the table and it was too late for an abortion so there she was with a sick baby and nobody to help her so the baby's father has done a good job of taking care of the baby in fact I think that he has custody of the baby because most of the pictures were taken it seems not by her and she was in hardly any of them anyway the parenting plan of the future will be that he gets the boy when it comes time for school and I said well where is he now and she said with his dad though she hadn't had him at all this year because she's been sick she said and she kept telling me what the doctor was looking for apparently she was having a hard time getting the doctor to do an MRI because of symptoms she was giving him and she just kept saying different things about how she was sick and I said well what you're talkin about is usually fatal it has to be treated is this what you're talking about and it's like she just kept wanting to make me afraid that she was dying and I kept saying well go to the doctor find out exactly what it is because a lot of things mimic things so you've got to go to a specialist and get diagnosed don't just look on the computer and think your doctor has to go looking for this it was the strangest thing. I mean I've never talked to her about my breast cancer scare but believe me I wanted people telling me so it's going to be fine it's nothing I mean I wanted them to flat out lie to my face I wanted that hope. so it was very strange that my daughter kept talking about how she had this life-threatening illness probably and that she would most likely have to get on disability and I said you're only 27 get to a good specialist and I'm sure that you're not going to have to be on disability. well she told me how awful working was on her body and I just got this feeling. She wanted to get disability like her boyfriend who was indeed quite ill but doing okay at this time. well I asked if they were going to get married because I worried that would the mother still allow her to live there if the worst happens and he passed away I mean the mother may be happy that her son is happy but maybe the mother didn't expect him to survive or something. but I didn't say any of that I held my tongue of course those are the ranting fears of a mother at midnight. anyway I just praised her and encouraged her to have hope go check out the doctors and please keep me up to date and she asked me about my health but she didn't really want to listen to me go on about it. she never tried to talk about anything except a few things on her agenda tell me that she's probably dying the way that she looked up the deadbeat share pictures that the boys being taken care of the father because she's too sick to take care of him and all I did was support her and she led me to believe that she was happy talking to me and that she wanted to be informed about things. I guess I didn't talk about the things she wanted to talk about she asked me if my son is still around me and I said well yes and she answered well of course. so they had a falling out which she holds me responsible for but I just waited for her to say something else I didn't want to get into an argument. so she told me that she was going to be cooking on Thanksgiving and then going to her boyfriend's family later in the evening to eat and I said well sounds like you're going to be busy if I don't get a chance to talk to you before tomorrow then I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving she sounded very happy. and then I go to call the number like she knew I would of course I would of course I would contact my family member on Thanksgiving who's my daughter who whom I've been very close to during her teenage years and only after the stroke things were so horrible. But that's probably wishful thinking and if my son's any indication the problems go way back. In fact my adult son as always use the phrase doesn't she remind you of someone. Yes I put up with that peekaboo Behavior from the deadbeat finally figured out that the only reason he returned was that he delighted in looking at the Fallout. he like to be told how much he was missed and how important he was and how much everybody cried and how we felt because he wasn't there at some important holiday. but he was not remorseful for choosing not to be there he would blame it of course on me with some ridiculous story that my adult son has thoroughly quizzed him about all these things and my son has decided that the man is nuts and I'm remorseful. He's very anti-social believe me it's hard to lose take legal custody away unless they must so I had physical and legal and so he looks at it now that the children were taken away from him like he had no hand in it. but the courts had said he could go to supervised division again hoping to somehow reunite the children with their father. But he never did it he uses the excuse that he was out of state and that he just wanted to take his kids out of state. I think the court had a pretty good idea that if those kids left the state I would never see them again. I saved those children I raised those children I love those children nearby children and yet they are still his in a way he does not deserve my son says he likes the way things turned out they turned out the way they were supposed to and he's talked to his father over 10 years he listens but he tells me Mom he's never been interested in getting to know me he just talks about you and I said yes I am going to be the only senior citizen in the nursing home that probably still needs a restraining order. I never was in a support group for single mothers I was a good role model and I was proud of who I was and I worked like crazy and I put them around other family members that loved us and friends that cluded Us and Them. they never wanted for anything well I mean they wanted thing what kid doesn't drive their mother and saying about wanting thin.gs.. it's good that my son he worked for his first car but not my daughter I helped her out.. and yet she's jealous of him.




 my friend says don't feel insecure as a mother and I said no what's done is done dealing with stroke problems not parenting problems but I sure didn't need a broken heart right now. first time is always protected me and never passed on anything that we're in his communication with it father. only the beginning I asked and then I said no don't tell me. he said no he would not do that to me and he said don't worry about all his word vomit. well my daughter was not as kind. and so I was dealing with all of those emotions so old and dead and unnecessary. I had a professional career and it was cut down because of a stroke he was old news. Anyway it looks like my daughter enjoys his tricks. so my very best friend says to me will don't judge her you don't know what's going on. And I said look I am judging her but I didn't say anything that was judging her but I'm trying to find out who she is now because I don't recognize her and I came to the conclusion that I was proud of her and the conversations were nice I tried to be supportive when she said that she thought that she had something that might be terminal you know I just I acknowledge that could be real symptoms but maybe not something so Dreadful I was not judging her until I got that phone message and then I was like I've been played for a fool she does not love me she is not miss me and I'm kidding myself and my friend couldn't see that that was killing me. always wanted to be accepted by her mother and all she heard and me was that I was being judgmental I don't know perhaps we all hear what we want to hear and so that's why I'll never understand what went on all I know is that daughter disappeared again cast of focus on but I have one good child who cares about me and that's okay maybe after all this time my daughter will find what sea name I hope so but I can't be worried about it anymore and I guess it's obvious she can manipulate things and people and she's going to land on their feet and of course iiove her I want her to call me now. She punishes me for having a stroke, leaving her to fend for herself alone. She blames her brother for not helping her more. But he did. She quit her job. Anyway my happiness never lasts long.






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my heart wept when I read this. You are Not an utter failure as a mother. My son, in Florida, lives with his GF's mother and ( they have a baby, my grandson) and I hardly ever get phone calls, or pictures, so i understand your sadness.  We can only do what we can do and you are.  I also weep for all the pain you are going through.

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We can only do what we do and be what we are. I have been estranged from my sister for many years, I attempt a reconciliation from time to time but it never works. I don't know why. There will always be a sorrow in my heart because of that but I have learned to live without her and her family in my life. She is the only relative I have in my birth family here in Australia.  I know something of your pain but know that what I feel is just a tiny fraction of what you feel over your daughter alienating herself. (((hugs)))

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Thank you sue for sharing it means the world to me you'll never know. Oh well now you do. Yes I'm sure that pain is just pain no matter what causes or what the laws is it just hurts. But you're absolutely right we live without them and their families and the takeaway here is we learn to live without them. It's a gaping hole but sometimes I know that there's a temporary oh so very temporary Band-Aid that is on it and then I get so happy and then Whoop That Band-Aid ripped off and so it's like oh and again. Anyway but what I feel emotionally is nothing compared to what I suffer with physically so I'm just glad that with the emotional stuff I can put it on the back burner and have a happy life but physically that's what I have to work with is that there's no living with that easily as you will know and can join in this unfortunate Club. But thank you sue thank you just for taking a notice of it all and it was just me venting I guess there's really nothing to comment about it's just like you say it is what it is and I really hate that cliche but it just is. And I will say that this time I guess because I have so much happiness going on around me with the Christmas I'm not one of these people that all of those things going wrong around me it it can't take away my Christmas spirit and the joy that comes from all the Christmases friends sharing sayings + and all the joy that we give and have from just everybody around us some more closely tied in bonds than others.

So yes you make an important point of letting me know that pain like this is also something to survive and live well anyway thank you for that Merry Christmas


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Thank you Kelly mother to mother it meant a lot to me that you could understand I'm sorry too for the pain you go through because of similar but I hope that things go well for you this Christmas and perhaps some video chatting well close the miles. Yes it's been a difficult time physically and maybe it's because of all the medication I'm on that I just not responding like I would normally I would be crying a lot but I'm not now I guess maybe part of me just realizes it's out of my control and I just have to accept what is and again like a stroke survivor Knows Best take what my life is and find goodness and happiness in it. But thank you Kelly.

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You ladies all inspire me so much! I too have things in my life that carry this kind of pain. I am so aware sometimes how not in control of some things in my life. That's a very hard truth. All my love.

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