I'm publishing this today... seems I forgot to back in 2021! Hopefully, it is a full thought lol. It was over a year and a half ago!

About a month ago, I decided to find a way to reach my 1st real boyfriend. He truly is my very 1st love and has never been far from my heart no matter what stage of life I was or am in. I spent $.99 cents to look up information about his brother's. I couldn't find anything about Richard (my 1st love) but I lucked out and found a number that I hoped would reach his brother Jeff. I called left a message to him and his wife and left my number and after almost forgetting my maiden name (Logue). He probably would have no idea who I was if I left that out. I wasn't sure that I called his actual number but believe it or he called late that evening. Jeff is my age and his brother Richard (my past bf) is a year older than me so he went with us often. I gave him my # to pass to Richard (that way Richard could decide whether to get in touch with me or not). Ten years ago, he had somehow found my work # and just called me one day out of nowhere. He said he wanted to talk to me but he wanted to in person. I was very busy with life at the time and I never called back to plan on meeting him. I have been curious ever since. A month ago, I decided "well I'm single, and I suppose my life has put me in a place where I want to make connections with others I care for in life. When we parted ways, we had been going through some really grown up issues for 2 teens (16 & 17). I truly have only prayed for the best in his life. I 100% still do. We have talked on the phone 4 times, just about ongoing emotional stuff we never had a chance to heal. Come to find out, at my great surprise, is that we have both felt the same draw. We both have dreamt of each other many many times. Even while I was married and he has been married since 2006. He is happy. I found a picture of him and his wife today online (OK so my curiosity got the best of me). He is so handsome and his wife is so beautiful. He is doing very well, lives in Fort Worth, TX. He has a super great job, his wife stays home at the moment, and they have about a 4000 square foot new house! He works for the US Treasury. I am so very happy for him and Dana. Weird stuff though, I have been crying so hard tonight. Heartfelt sad cries. I'm not even sure for what reason. I know we both have gone on with our lives and he is so blessed. I should be so happy. I mean I am but for some reason I can't stop crying. I don't know if I for some reason I thought maybe it is possible. I mean together. I 100% no better and it is not how I want to react. He is happily married in a very good place in life. Our realization that we both still hold each other in our hearts sort of floored me a bit. I never expected that truth to exist on his part. It has been cathartic connecting with him; but, it feels so raw like we are teens again. I think I am looking forward to my therapy tomorrow. I need to work on processing these emotions.