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No wonder my head hurts!!


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I have never been one to suffer from headaches, so the one that has been bugging me for the past day or so was really getting on my nerves. I look up headaches on the internet and right away match everything up with a tension headache and the first word I see under "Causes".....stress. Yeah, nuff said!

 

Yesterday was a bit better for me, although I didn't have much time to think about everything going on in my life. I leave on Wednesday morning for a 2 day trip to Nashville to see Kelly Clarkson in concert, and I am also getting to meet her as I got a backstage pass...yet, I feel soooo guilty about going and I really don't want to. My Mom has insisted and when my Dad has been in the world he insists on me going as well. I know sitting home would do NOTHING for him and it would probably make him worse because he'd be upset that I didn't get to go. I have saved and paid for this trip all by myself, so it's kinda a big thing where they are concerned, lol. "FINALLY! Something she has paid for herself!!", I am sure they are thinking!

 

I guess I just keep feeling guilty about leaving and getting away from it all for a few days. When I am away, I tend to forget just how it is. I feel bad that my Momma has to deal with this, I wish she could go on a trip for herself and have fun! I feel bad that Daddy has to deal with this, and I wish he could go on a trip and have fun too! I know they want this for me, they really truly do, but I can't help but feel guilty about it.

 

The doctor said today that Daddy will have to stay up on the Rehabilitation floor of the hospital for a while, not certain how long. Daddy keeps telling Momma that he isn't staying and everyone who comes to see him he tells them that he will be going home in a few days. Also, today when the nurse came to take him for his MRI...he gave her trouble and claimed that he already had one done and didn't need another. I am not sure if he is acting out because he knows he is being defiant OR if he is acting out because he really doesn't know any better. When I think about leaving him there, I get so upset because I know how he is. He doesn't like to be around quietness and he doesn't like not being around us, I am afraid he is going to get down & out. I know it is the best thing for him, but it is going to be so hard to walk away from there knowing that we can't be with him 24/7 while he is on the floor and knowing he doesn't want to be there.

 

Then there is the fact that I am moving back to school in about 3 weeks. I don't know what I am to do about that. My Nana is here to help my Mom and all, but how can I just go back to my school life knowing that my Dad is in rehab and my Mom is doing all she can to keep our family above water?! The drive is about an hour, so I could commute but I have my roommate already lined up and I really can't afford the gas it would take driving to and from school 5 days a week! I know I am going to have to pack up and go, but I know this year it is going to be so incredibly difficult on me. Daddy has a hard enough time with me being away when he hadn't just suffered another stroke, he is going to have an even more difficult time now once I move.

 

I just feel so so so torn. I know my parents want me to be at school and get my education, but I also know it would be a great help to them if I were at home. I know I shouldn't go on my trip this week, but I know they would be crushed if I didn't go. I feel selfish, yet I feel selfless because I am doing what I know they want me to do. I am living in an adult world, but trying to stuff myself back into a young adult world and it's a snug fit.

 

And looking back over that post, it's no wonder I have a headache!!

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I cannot tell you how jealous I am that you're going to see Kelly Clarkson. Her song "The Trouble With Love" is wonderful. When you see her tell her Cinder says Hi.

 

Seeing you in school and doing well is probably a long time dream of your parents. They need to know that some dreams didn't change because of the stroke. You do too. You will miss them, and they will miss you, but that's an expected part of life. Visit when you can, be there when they really need you, and get that degree. You go girl!

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Amanda:

 

I am so glad that I gave you the idea to 'Blog'. I really appreciated your blog concerning your story and how you found this site.

 

Yes, you need to go to this concert. Your youth 'has been robbed' from you. You need this 'getaway' to release the stress in your life. I understand that you want to assist in your dad's care and that you want to be there for him.

 

Your education IS also important. If your mom has the ability to use the computer and knows how to send/receive emails, that should be enough comfort. As far as commuting, you need to pray about that. Also consider the financial part. Would it be cheaper to live at home and commute OR would it be cheaper to live on campus, and keep in touch via email.

 

Keep up your strong attitude and remember to keep your needs and concerns 'before the Throne'. I will keep you in my prayers, as I'm sure others will to. Just remember "Nothing IS TOO DIFFICULT for Him".

 

 

Denny pash.gif

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Amanda please don't feel guilty, life does not stop because someone has a stroke. I know you want to be there for you dad, but as said I am sure it is a dream of your parents that you get a good solid education. As far as the concert..you will have a few days off and come back refreshed (maybe the tension headache will be gone) you are young and deserve some fun in your life.

If your are really needed it is an hour drive.. your dad will be in re hab for awhile it sounds....as chef denny says maybe you can e mail your mom..I have a "freedom" phone plan and all my long distance,in state and out and local phone for one flat fee...(much cheaper than paying for each call..as all of our relatives are long distance.

I am sure your dad will get much joy hearing about your classes and things going on at school...go have a great time, come back refreshed and know we all desrves some joy in our lives.

Have a great time. Bonnie

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Thank you all so much for your kind words!!

 

I do know that I can't stop living because of what has happened, but I do feel like it is my responsibility to be there in the way my parents have always been there for me. I will be living in the dorm with my best friend, so she understands my situation and wouldn't get upset if I had to spend a night or 2 at home..it helps not having to explain my situation to a roommate who might or might not get it. Miranda has grown up with me and knows it all. I roomed with another good friend last year and she was very understanding, I have been blessed in that department.

 

Denny - After looking at the choices you mentioned in your post, it would be cheaper for me to live on campus. I do get Financial Aid and I also won a 1500.00 per year scholarship when I graduated from high school, so I have the money for campus living. I have all my meals paid for there, and my job is right on campus, so living there I can lean on that financial support and use the money I make working for other things beside living expenses. If I were to commute, I'd be filling up my car 2 to 3 times per week probably, not to mention the wear & tear on my car and I sure can't afford to get a new one right now, plus having to buy food more than I would in the dorm....financially, it makes more sense to live there. I am just going to have a rough time getting used to it again knowing all that is going on back here...but I will continue to pray about it and I know God will get me through. Thank you for your prayers & advice as well, means so much!

 

Cinder - It's so cool to find other Kelly Clarkson fans!!! I have been a fan of her's since she won "American Idol" and I am so excited to FINALLY see her in concert! I am a bit nervous about meeting her afterwards, but I know it'll be fine!

 

Thank you all again! smile.gif

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Also a caregiver, I find it very hard to relax and take some time just for myself. I always feel guilty!

 

You need to take time for yourself and I think it's great that you are getting away. Try not to beat yourself up. You can keep in touch by phone.

 

I was happy last week just to get out of the house for 2 hours and go grocery shopping.

 

Have a Great time on your trip...........RELAX........I'm sure everything will be just fine. I also agree - your parent's want to see you succeed. When you graduate your parents will be beaming. Don't feel guilty about going back to school.

 

Take Care of Yourself................

 

Kim smile.gif

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