What I was and who I was when was in college and shortly thereafter has haunted me for years. The circumstances of my marriage are a result of the lifestyle I lead when in my 20's. Hubby has always hated me because of it. He claims he loves(ed) me but I have never sensed in my heart any feeling other than hate and disapproval from him. We were both 31 when we got married.(old enough to know better) It's been almost 21 years and our son is almost 21

Many times I've tried to tell him how his actions hurt me...to no avail....he seems to use the information I tell him of how he hurts my feelings ...use it to hurt me further. Why am I such a smutz?

I joined a group for verbal abuse and their only solution is to divorce.

That is not acceptable to me...I could never live on my own anymore....1)not employable due to stroke. 2) I've gotten ugly and fat and old....I am no longer attractive 3)I need his health insurace to pay for meds,etc.

i'm too old to do the single life again.