My mother had a stroke one month ago, and I am still very much on an emotional rollercoaster. I go up and down depending on how Mom is doing. Today was a bad day. The private nurse that I hired to be with mom is well-meaning, but inexperienced. The nursing home is very short staffed. She isn't always turned every 2 hours and it totally affects her sleep and ability to keep up physical therapy.

Mom is paralyzed and cannot speak, although she has great cognitive function. She is sooooo vulnerable. I can't stop thinking about her. I am a planner; I set goals; I make lists; I am prepared; and most importantly, I like closure. I don't have any of that and it scares me and makes me crazy. I worry, I fret, I make others miserable.

I want to be normal. I want to feel happy again. I don't know how to without thoughts of my mom seeping in and overtaking my joy with guilt and sorrow. I visit mom about 2 hours a day, but it's not enough. I don't know when I'll feel that I've done enough. I know I'm doing my best, but it just doesn't feel right. How can I, the mother of children ages 1, 3, and 5 do anymore than what I'm doing???

Today was a bad day, but there's hope for tomorrow.