Had Marj's funeral at our church today, just a tiny one 25 people who knew her. Not a lot but at 88 and without a family you don't have a lot of mourners, unless you are a movie star or a politician, or maybe a millionaire.

I did part of the eulogy, it was just a homely reminder of what we were all like in the early '80's. Twenty five years younger, some newly retired we put a lot of work into the social aspects of our church, raised money for good causes and had some fun in the process. We were more narrow focussed, a little bit lacking in social finesse so it was picnics in back yards and a cake stall (bake sale)outside the bank building and those "car trials" where you had to accumulate points to win.

We were younger then. Ray and I had teenage kids and plenty of life ahead of us to enjoy, to build up that nest egg, to go overseas, to have the big drive right around Australia. Some of our older congregation members were newly retired and had plenty of time to help out too. Marj had retired from nursing and delighted in making handicrafts, not very well as I remember but with some enthusiasm. We had our Christmas party at her place. We all brought our plate of goodies and had photos taken wearing silly hats.

In his eulogy her adopted nephew said something that I think applied here. His aunt had not got married he said, and had never had children but as a childcare nurse had brought hundreds of babies successfully into life and as an advisor to nursing mothers had made sure they got a good start in life. This was her contribution to the future of Australia as she saw it.

We seem to debate which is most important here the role of survivor or that of caregiver, with a bit of "what would THEY know" thrown in for good measure. I don't think it matters who knows what about anything. I think that the survivors need help and the caregivers provide it. Like the nurses who help with the birthing, the end goal of the struggle is to bring forth a live child, the nurse supporting the mother who is doing to pushing, the nurse as cheerleader, the mother as producer. In stroke recovery the end goal is a whole person, maybe not 100% recovered but as close to that as possible.

I apologize at this stage to those whose partners/spouses/supporters have done a runner and left them to cope all alone. That is not fair and I can't do anything to heal the scars that that has caused to you. But for me as I grow older to get the most out of every situation requires a good deal of team-work. If this has not been your experience then I'm sorry. Fortunately, in a lot of cases, it has been mine. Hopefully you do find some of the support you need here.