Ray and I had a really busy day yesterday and that is why I got up at 3am and started updating and filing. It is the time of the year when my low fat diet fails and I get "tummy trouble". Still it gives me plenty of time for reflection.

I just read Sarah's blog on experiencing the kindness of strangers at this time of the year. We do well to remember that we are "strangers" to each other and yet can reach out in a meaningful way on these message boards. I went in to see if anyone was in chat and Simon popped in to see why I was on and how I was doing. He offered some sympathy and popped out again, he is dressing to go to a friend's wedding reception. Probably without this board we would not have that contact. So I am grateful for Steve for setting it up and for others who have developed it into what it is today.

Having a partner with a long term illness is a grinding experience. I am not necessarily thinking of stroke as I have friends whose partners have Parkinsons, MS, cancer and other long term debilitating illnesses. The saying "caught between a rock and a hard place" comes to mind. That is where the grain of wheat finds itself when it is made into flour, refined, made useful. Those of us who experience the occassional joy of fresh, homemade bread know what good flour tastes like. And so we, stuck in the grinding wheels of life are being made into something better, more useful. Or at least that is what we hope is happening.

This can be a painful experience. It is not pleasant to feel pressured, exposed, sometimes overcome by events beyond our control but as a carer I have felt all of those emotions. I can say that happily I tend to have a buoyant personality and so do bounce back again, but sometimes it takes a while. Then add some outside events going wrong (sale of my church, no support from others sometimes when I need it) and the down time increases.

The expectations of the Christmas season too put on extra pressure. Clean the house, complete the shopping, send out cards with a cheerful message to all the family, far and wide. Attending parties and end-of-year events makes time schedule blow out and increases that tired feeling. How much can we cram into one month anyway?

I know sometimes there is differences between the survivor and the carer, Ray and I have some of those, caused at times by my unreal expectations, one of my most frequently used expressions lately seems to be "hurry up" and as you know survivors have often lost the ability to do just that. He must find that sometimes I am the Rock on which he stands and other times I am the Rock which grinds him under.

Hmm. 5am is probably NOT the time of the morning to write a blog.