hey AJ:

don't apologize for complaning, for each of us whatever problems we encounter are the biggest one, only key is that even after whining you are still moving ahead is important and not stuck at your problems, I know all our problems are big but life still goes on, you have to accept that new you and mak most out of it, sorry I m giving you advice but It feels great to give advice then take it, have you try writing down events on journal such that you can always refer it back to see what did u do hour back

always remember there is someone far worse off than u

Asha

To steal a quote "I FEEL YOUR PAIN".

believe me THE FIRST YEAR KINDA SUCKS you makes some strides but YOU FEEL LIKE ITS TAKING TOO LONG TO FEEL GOOD. YOU JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL SOOOOOOOBADDDDDDDDD. ITS MADDENING

TO FEEL LIKE YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS BUT THINGS WILL IMPROVE. I CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU FEEL BETTER THE SECOND AND THIRD YEAR!!! YOU WILL! HAVE FAITH I ALWAYS FELT TRAPPED IN MY OWN BODY---ITS NOT FAIR THE ONLY TIME WE GET A BREAK FROM LIVING THE LIFE OF A STROKER IS IN OUR SLEEP---

I USED TO BE SO JEALOUS OF HOW EASY IT WAS FOR PEOPLE TO UST TACKLE THINGS---IT WOULD TAKE MORE THOUGHT FOR ME AND SOME OF IT WAS/IS JUST BEYOND ME BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T TRY----I FINALLY TACKLED MY DIGITAL CAMERA AND THAT WAS SOMETHING I'D JUST GET MAD AT BEFORE MY STROKE AND QUIT IN FRUSTRATION I THINK I HAVE MORE PATIENCE IF I JUST CALM MYSELF DOWN!--

GIVE YOURSELF THE FIRST YEAR AS YOUR YEAR OFF FROM THE REAL WORLD GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION YOU'VE WORKED HARD FOR IT, YES YOU DID, DON'T SAY YOU DIDN'T

PLEASE REALIZE YOU FACED A BIG BIG BIG BODY BLOW. Be glad your here, I wish I would have been kinder and more patient TO MYSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE the first year. I WAS ANGRY WITH THE WORLD, THE CHIRO WHO I STILL FEEL CAUSED THIS, MYSELF FOR TRUSTING HIM AND THE REST OF MOST OF THE WORLD FOR BEING NORMAL AND HAVING THE INNOCENCE OF BEING NORMAL AND JUST ASSUMING YOUR SAFE FROM SUCH AN ACCIDENT AND BEING ABLE TO LIVE LIFE.

THE FIRST YEAR SUCKS, :bop: YES IT DOES BUT YOU MAKE SOME STRIDES BUT I ALWAYS FELT 1 MINUTE BEHIND EVERYONE ELSE IN CONVERSATION AND I WAS SO SO SO TIRED!!!!! i COULD NOT DO ANYTHING THAT INVOLVED SEQUENCING LIKE EVEN GETTING UP THE MOTIVATION TO CLEAN A KID'S ROOM!!!!

IT WILL PASS YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE HERE FIND SMALL STRIDES TO BE GRATEFUL FOR

MY HUBBIE SUGGESTED THE PILL BOX THING BUT I DID BETTER WITH WRITING DOWN THE DATE (KEEP A PEN THERE)EVERYTIME I TOOK MY PILL---I GOT AN INDEX CARD TO DO IT WITH--tHATS HOW i STILL DO IT TODAY---THE OTHER WOULD JUST MIX ME UP TO ME---I KNOW HOW TO CHECK MYSELF ON STUFF NOW AND I NEVER NEVER NEVER WALK AWAY FROM A STOVE CAUSE I'D BURN UP WHATEVER ---I AM NO GOOD AT ALL AT JUDGING TIME EXCEPT TOO FAST USUALLY--LEARN LITTLE TRICKS TO KEEP YOURSELF SAFE

SOMETIMES I STILL CATCH MYSELF FOR FORGETTING AND MY SON WOULD LIKE A DOLLAR FOR EVERYTIME I WOULD ASK HIM REPEATEDLY HOW A SLEEPOVER WAS IN THE SAME DAY OR SOME OTHER EVENT.....

MOST OF WHAT YOU FEEL ALOT OF US HAVE HAD PLENTY OF OURSELVES :blah_blah:

IT REALLY IS HOW YOU CHOOSE TO DEAL WITH IT. bE KIND TO YOURSELF AND GIVE YOURSELF THE FIRST YEAR OFF....

MAYBE SOME XANAX ---FROM THE DOCTOR MAY HELP---EVERYONE I'VE TALKED TO USES IT I CUT MY IN HALF AND ITS JUST ENOUGH TO MELLOW ME OUT AND STOP ME FROM OVERTHINKING STUFF REALLY HELPED WITH THE ANXIETLY EVEN NOW IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT TAKES AWAY THAT FEELING OF BEING TOUCHY

WE ALL HAD A LOT OF DEPRESSION THE FIRST YEAR AND I REALLY FEEL AS A FEMALE STROKE PATIENT WOMEN GET MORE OF A PASS OF ACCEPTANCE TO HAVING DEPRESSION THAN MEN AND THAT STINKS --- -

I REMEMBER HOW EMBARRASSED ONE MALE STROKER RECALLED FOR CRYING WHEN HIS FAMILY THREW A PARTY (LIKE WHO WOULDN'T!) FOR HIM AND I FELT BAD FOR HIM FEELING BAD BECAUSE THEY TRIED TO DO WHAT THEY THOUGHT WOULD BE NICE FOR HIM ITS VERY EASY TO FEELBAD THE FIRST YEAR...ITS SOOOOOOOOOO HARD T.G. FOR THE 2,3,4,5,6, ......YEARS PLEASE FEEL BETTER, JAN :big_grin:

EVERYTHING YOU DESCRIBE STRIKES ME AS NORMAL FOR THE FIRST YEAR :head_hurts:

AJ,

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I THINK THAT THE DEPENDENCY ON OTHERS FOR SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS TYLENOL IS MADDENING. ALSO, THE "SPACING OUT" AKA NOT REMEMBERING IS BY FAR THE WORST, FOR ME.

I'M THERE FOR YA FRIEND

KIM

Hey AJ,

Not that this news will be comforting, but I've noticed that those that aren't hit hard physically have many more invisable deficits to contend with. Cognitive deficits suck no doubt about it, BUT they do get better with the passage of time. I found that living my early stroke days on Post it notes was the only way I coped. Also, still I have to keep repeating things to myself or I forget or replay it over in my mind and it stays in short term memory( visiting or going somewhere) I know it is frustrating to have the memories of recent events disappear, but keep thinking about it and you'll see in a year or so it gets better, otherwise start laughing at yourself and the silly stroke moments you have. I think I'm just like Mr. Magoo, I bumble about my life and hardly have a clue what is going on.

Keep the faith,

Pam

Hi AJ I totally agree with all the replies.. the first year SUCKS but it does get better. I had post it notes stuck to everything. I had times set wHen I was cooking .. and then wonder why the timer was going off..

I started on the computer with some simple card game. The first few times I could barely finish one hand of cards.. then I could slowly increase my focus and attention.

I use to devor books, but have the same problem, although I am reading one now and doing better with it. I found reading magainze areticles, reader's digest.. short stories.

I also get the "you don't look like you had a stroke" often... I know people are trying to be encouraging. ( most of the time I say thanks and leave it at that) a few times I have said well I know.. in my head.

I have few pysical disabilities.. have a limp and some days some balance issues or drop things, but I do have cognitive deficits and peripheral vision loss.

By starting small ..card games or computer games and doing them over.. as you can you will notice your focus and attention span will become better. The first year I described it as felt like I had attention deficit disorder. I am getting close to my 3 rd, I have learned to adjust and compensate and find what works for me.. The fatiue level is much better now also. and I have learned when I start to get tired to take a break and not push too far.

Bonnie

AJ,

I want to thank you for a window into my husband's reality. After his first stroke in 2/2002 ( I think!) he didn't seem to have any problems. He continued his normal routine with no visible problems. His bleed in 10/2004 left him with a total vision cut to the right side, inability to read or write. After his clot in 3/2005 he has deficits to the right side, balance issues, cognitive problems, short term memory loss, some aphasia and emotional lability - in addition to the other challenges.

I know he WANTS to do things he used to do - he wants to cook, however, he can't remember when he gets in the kitchen what to do next. Using a knife of any sort would be crazy since he's on coumadin, has no depth perception and can't see anything to the right of his nose mid-line - and oh, by the way he doesn't remember to turn his head! He WANTS to run the vacuum, but his balance is so poor, and he is so weak that even with the self-propelled vacuum he can only manage about 4 swipes across the living room floor.

We see friends almost every evening at a group meeting. Recently he's become much more animated and talkative than before. Our friends have noted his increased interaction and are just as excited as I am by this. It's a small step to many - but a giant leap as far as I'm concerned. You know what I find sad though? He doesn't even realize it because he can't remember what he's been like. I know that much of the reason for his accomlishment is the consistency with which we attend this group. He's met these folks since his last stroke, and normally he wouldn't be able to remember any of them - except that he's been talking and listening to them almost daily for a year.

Anyway, those who are survivors here know about the recovery....I know that you aren't lazy, or weak . . . or any of the negative qualities you express. Your body has undergone a horrible attack. That's why I refer to stroke as brain ATTACK - It seems so trite, but when I get depressed, or when I sense Bill is sinking into depression I try to remind us of the blessings we have. Some days it is more difficult than others to find gratitude - but there is always something for which I'm grateful - beginning with this site, and survivors like you who share from the heart.

Thanks for your blog.

Just for today, Ann