Am I admitting weakness?
Entry posted by alpinejunkie
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I have never been one to complain about how I feel. Usually in my life when I am sick or injured my nature has been to play it down and not let people on to what has happened or what I feel. I think that goes back to my youth, as it does for a lot of men. When I was young both playing sports around the neighborhood and in organized leagues I was always told to "Shake it off" or "Work it off" or "gut it out" or the ever popular "dig deep". I didn't know where I should have been digging or for what to dig but I knew if I showed weakness I'd loose my place in the pecking order of the neighborhood pack of boys and worse yet, God forbid, move heaven and earth so this never happens, I might have disappointed my Dad. There was no room to acknowledge an injury because the game, and life had to go on as if nothing had happened.
That sets up what I'm feeling now; or I guess I should say it sets ME up for what I'm feeling. Every time I go to the Doctor, which is way to often as far as I'm concerned, that could be seen as weakness to; I feel I'm complaining about a new problem. I feel demeaned and small sitting there telling my doctor, I feel dizzy, I always have headaches, I can't have bowel movements without huge doses of laxatives, the smallest problems confuse me, I spend much of the day nauseous, I am so fatigued and tired I have trouble walking upstairs to our bed to lie down.
Then come the phone calls from my disability insurance company. I don't know why but for some reason I'm embarrased that I get disability money for really doing nothing accept being different than I used to be. They call and make me go over all my problems. I have to explain to them what I can do what I can't do what help I need and on and on. I know that the reason for these calls is that they are looking for a reason to stop paying me. I feel guilty that I'm having to tell them how sick I am so that I can keep getting money. I want to say, yeah I'm nauseous but I can shake it off and get out there and work. Oh I can't process enough information to balance my checkbook but I can work through it and go back to engineering. No I can't make it through the day without naping and sometimes my muscles are so fatigued that I won't get up and walk across the room but no problem my employer will provide nap time and I'll gut it out and walk wherever I need to at work.
This whole thing of being disabled is a complete change of mind set for me. I have always believed disabled people deserved to be helped, they deserved even more than our society gives them. I have always been amazed at the courage, strength and commitment that disabled people show; even the ones that are having difficulty accepting their disability. The problem is I can't cut myself that same slack. I can't allow myself to be the one to show I need help, that wouldn't be "shaking it off" or "gutting it out". It isn't for anybody else but for me it is weakness and a disappointment. I read the stories on Stroke Net and I am awed by the people here. They are strong, I am not. They are brave, I am not. They work hard, I do not. They deserve all the help they can get, I do not. Why can't I give myself what I give to others?
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