Sandy, I find that article to be very informative in every aspect. The cognitive reappraisal factor in my case is very good. I focus on what's left, like my life, not that I will live for ever, but verses I could have died right then and not been a survivor.

Then with my ability to drive and use a scooter to go shopping, I don't look back at what's lost, but what I got to work with. I may even get employed soon. :scooter:

Sandy,

I just survived another toxic mother visit! She showed her true colors and Bill is my witness, even he says she doesn't display normal mother feelings. Ha! Like I haven't known this since I was 5??????

Anyway, I enjoyed your article, so did Bill. I also must have NeuroeptideY in my blood also.(spelling?) It'd be easier to say N.Y. and you'd know what I mean.

Also food for thought--- all these others that get inflamed over "mother bashing" they should stop and think that we have mothers that make Joan Crawford look like a purring *beep* cat. I hope Sheila weighs in on this one.

Loved this blog

Pam

Hi Sandy,

Your blog with Article is fantastic. I can't join the ranks of people with toxic mothers. She could be bossy, and perhaps a bit aloof sometimes, but not toxic. She certainly wasn't self-centered when it came to her children. I always describe my parents as having a dysfunctional relationship (separated when I was 14) so I can join the group of those who describe their families as dysfunctional. And I'll save that for another chapter.

Great blog and most helpful article.

Thanks!

-Karen

i found another article about psychological resilience in the face of overwhelming childhood trauma.

from the New York Times Magazine, Sunday 4/30/06 (tomorrow)

A Question of Resilience

By EMILY BAZELON

Published: April 30, 2006

 

In the spring of 1993, when I was an intern at The New Haven Advocate, a local weekly, I met two girls named La'Tanya and Tichelle. La'Tanya was 13, Tichelle was 11 and, along with their two younger sisters, they had recently returned from a year in foster care to live with their mother, Jean. (I have used middle names to protect the family's privacy.) I was supposed to spend an hour or two with them and write an article for the paper about families that reunite. But I liked the girls, and I decided I needed to interview them again — the joy of being an intern, after all, is that no one really cares when you finish your article. The next time I showed up, about a week later, a worried-looking woman was talking to the girls. She was a prosecutor who was about to try Jean's boyfriend, Earl Osborn, for sexually abusing La'Tanya and Tichelle over several years and their 7-year-old sister, Charnelle, for a shorter period. The girls were her chief witnesses.

 

At the trial that May in a courtroom in New Haven, La'Tanya testified that Osborn started touching her when she was in kindergarten. She told her mother, and Jean put him out of the house. But somehow, though he wasn't violent, she couldn't make him stay out. She would later say that this was the greatest mistake of her life, but in court, she said as little as possible.

 

During the next five years, Jean warned Osborn to keep away from her daughters. He didn't. When La'Tanya and Tichelle were about 10 and 8, Jean testified, she put a lock on the door of their bedroom. Osborn broke the lock three times. Jean would find him lying on top of the girls, rubbing against them and putting his hands down their pajamas, or next to them masturbating. She gave her daughters a stick to sleep with. But she never banished him from their home.

 

In June 1991, after being tipped off that there might be a problem at home, a school social worker pulled La'Tanya out of her sixth-grade graduation party and asked if anyone was bothering her. La'Tanya shook her head no and then started to cry, and to talk. Jean lost custody of La'Tanya, Tichelle, Charnelle and their youngest sister, Chant

.

Sandy

I didn't read these two articles because I'm burned out with reading right now. But I've got one thing to add that may or may not be approperiate to the topic at hand. This is it: At some point in a person's life they need to take responsibility for their own actions and thoughts and quit using their dysfunctional childhoods/mothers/fathers as an excuse for everything that is wrong in their lives. To me, the middle aged person who stills get upset when their mother doesn't approve of their every decision or action is one who needs a reality check. Toxic mothers aren't going to change; a daughter's reaction to them CAN change when they get over needing what their mothers are incapable of giving.

Jean

And I thought the answer was :"I found a Fairy Godmother."

Sue.

Toxic mothers aren't going to change; a daughter's reaction to them CAN change when they get over needing what their mothers are incapable of giving.

In the case of my brother-in-law, and his father (my father-in-law) who have a seriously dysfunctional relationship - the son in this instance can not quit insisting on what his father is incapable (or unwilling) of giving.

Its pretty unfortunate but I don't see it changing for them.

-Karen

p.s. forgive me if I have aided with any hijacking, I'll go now.....

At some point in a person's life they need to take responsibility for their own actions and thoughts and quit using their dysfunctional childhoods/mothers/fathers as an excuse for everything wrong in their lives. To me, the middle aged person who stills get upset when their mother doesn't approve of their every decision or action is one who needs a reality check. Toxic mothers aren't going to change; a daughter's reaction to them CAN change when they get over needing what their mothers are incapable of giving

Jean

you are SO, SO right in saying this. my meditations, including the two articles quoted in this blog, are just trying to understand how i came to be the person that i am now. taking responsibility for my own actions and thoughts was a significant part of that process.

for example, in interacting with my mom in the here and now, an alternate way of dealing with my mom's acting out would be to act out myself and blame my acting out on my mom while taking no responsibility for it myself. this is what i might have done in my teens or early twenties, but not now. i am still going to work, and doing whatever work/home paperwork needs to be done, as well as housecleaning, dealing with a major mealy bug re-infestation with John, seeing and chatting with friends (both in realtime and online,) going with John to exchange one upscale yuppie garbage pail for another,cheaper one (we spent $72 on a garbage pail because John refused to buy a round kitchen garbage pail, it had to be semi-round/oval-go figure,) and bidding on ebay for an expresso machine because John really wants one and he can't handle bidding on ebay. not to mention researching this blog, and the addition to my envy blog.

Karen

you are not hi-jacking my blog, and your comments are always appreciated.

sandy

Karen

First, there are not hi-jacking rules in the blog. Second, what I said could equally be applied to toxic fathers and their sons as it could for daughters.

Jean