Just had a looong phone call with a friend who works full-time, is studying for a degree and acts as secondary caregiver for a disabled grandson. His life was falling apart because his hot water heater had sprung a leak and flooded his apartment. Boy! do I know that "this is the last straw" feeling he is experiencing right now. Those unexpected events that throw us into financial and emotional crisis just because we are already right at the end of our tether.

What can we do with this lost in the midst of life feeling? Well, we can take some precautions. My emergency plan is one of those. What happens if Ray hears a thump, comes out of the living room and there I am face down on the kitchen floor? He has a list of telephone numbers to call, one of them will answer and he will, with the help of that person, decide what the next step is, call an ambulance, fetch a next door neighbour, allow time for the person he has reached to come over and assess the situation.

My friend is worried that in the case of something happening to him that there will be no-one to make decisions on his behalf. So we talked about leaving written instructions, with his daughter, with a neighbour and I volunteered to have a copy. So that is one thing taken care of. As he is co-caregiver for his grandson his daughter needs to have others involved in the grandson's emergency care too, in case "Pa" is not available for a while.

Tonight's episode shook his faith in himself. But he did call a plumber and luckily there is one in the area he lives in so he came and took some emergency measures. Tomorrow and for the next couple of nights he will stay with friends as his water is cut off for now. This is the time when those kind of friends who can put you up for a few nights are really important. It doesn't take much for your plans to come unstuck.

He was lucky this was not the "visit"weekend, he has his grandson every second weekend. We as caregivers sometimes don't give credit to those who help on a part-time basis. But this grandfather does more than his share of the minding, with the other grandparents saying they are too..old...far away..busy with their own lives. All the usual excuses.

The person who takes Ray to Bible study is having radiation treatment for cancer over a six week period so Ray isn't going to Bible study for six weeks. Ray feels we should be able to help his friend's wife out too by taking him to treatment but as it is early morning that isn't possible. We are keeping in touch by phone on a regular basis and have send a card too. I guess because caregivers are already stretched in what they do they can seem "uncaring" towards others. We just don't have available time, we are committed in one area and that is that. But it certainly feels as if I am not paying back some of their kindness.

One of the problems with a caregivers life is that the survivor is the centre of focus, for all the medical and rehabilitation staff, for the family and sometimes for the daily routine as well. In this the caregiver can lose his or her own life. I have read the "Caregiver's bill of rights", I have had people explain that I need to take care of myself, but like a few people in recent postings I don't know how to withdraw my focus from Ray and the things he needs in life and determine how to live out some of what I need to do to "take care of myself". With some stroke survivors this is possible as they improve to the point where they don't need as much care. This has never really happened with Ray as he gains some independence only to lose it again to the next stroke, fall or illness. And with the dementia as an added problem now the burden will increase.

We have to live each day as if it is the best day we are ever going to have. As it might easily be. And appreciate the relationships we have, with friends, with family and with each other.