Robyn:

If I offend you in my comment or anything, than I m sorry, but I have to say this, I know its your blog, so you can write ur thoughts, but also think about Jane also, right now she is going thru horrific time of her life, what she needs from you is lot of understanding, love and support, this whole ordeal is not about you, how you feel and all that, it is what she is feeling and what she is going through

if I m out of the bound in my comment than I m sorry

Asha

Robyn:

oops I m sorry, I wrote comment after reading just 1 paragraph,actually you are doing all what I thought you should be doing rather than me hurting feeling:)

so sorry, hopefully you forgive me

Asha

:friends: :hug: No problem. When I'm feeling the anxieties I'm writing them out here so I can just figure out what I am feeling and why. To do that...I need to write out exactly what I'm feeling, and then I examine and question it and analyze it...does that make sense? I really do know that this is about what she is feeling and experiencing. I just wish I had first hand knowledge...sigh...I can only guess right now.

Robyn,

I wonder if you might benefit from writing a blog entry that explores your situation from a different angle. Kind of a turn about exercise where you write without ever using the word "I." Right now you're focusing all your energy on your pain and insecurities and I'd like to see you re-focus a little of your energy on issues that ultimately will effect how you react to Jane in the future.

I don't know what kind of stroke deficiencies Jane is working on in rehab but try writing a whole blog entry with sentences like this sort of thing:

She may never _____________ and ____________ again.

What will she do if she can't _______________

Where will she live if she ___________

What will happen to her ____________ if her recovery takes several years instead of several months?

Will she ever ____________ again?

She is probably feeling _____________ and ________________

She is probably not feeling ________________________

How will she make a living if ___________________

Her sister is probably ______________________________

As you write remember to never use the word "I."

As a caregiver to a guy who we were told would "never be anything more than a vegetable for the rest of his life" I can tell you he would NOT be thriving at home and doing all the things we do if I had allowed myself to get bogged down with my pain at being told I lost my best friend as I'd known him to be for 35 years. If I had done that---focused all my energies on myself---I wouldn't have had enough left over to find a way to prove two neurologists wrong and find another who broke Don out of a nursing home and gave him a chance at rehab after the family tag team I'd set up had worked with him for a month.

Your situation is a little different because you're physically not around Jane but it's really not THAT different than others here who were emotionally pushed aside by their survivors in the first year or so. Or family members who are a cross-country with little or no contact because of family disputes. Many survivors won't reach out on their own and have lost that ability to want closeness and affection while they are still in shock and mourning over their loses. And the mourning period can last for a year or two---or an entire life time in some unfortunate cases. If and when Jane and you re-connect you are going to be better prepared for the challenges you face if you have brain-stormed some ideas about what is going on in HER head, body and spirit. Will you be able to give her what she needs or will you be absorbed in your own lose and not see her as she is now?

Jean

That's a good point, Jean. Intellectually I understand what has happened but I'm trying to really feel it and understand it emotionally too, as I wrote above. I think that would be a good tool to help me get out of myself and into her head since I can't be close to her and the mechanisms we have used in the past...TALKING EVERYTHING OUT...is just not available to me, due to her condition and the distance between us.

I'll try working on that tonight...THANKS! :hug:

I agree with Jean 100% - try focusing on her and not you & give her the time and space she needs to heal and grieve -

Robyn, I am a 20 yr. survivor, and one doctor told me that a stroke is like a death - he said you'll need time to grieve, which I did :blush:

Thanks June...I'm definitely doing that (giving her the space to heal and grieve)...and happily!! I think I finally confronted and beat down the demons that were bothering me and causing me so much pain. Once I identified them, and called them out, I was able to defuse them! I still have personal work to do to manage my own issues but I feel like the processing I did this week has enabled me to really start to think about this as her issue...not my issue, no matter how I am affected. I really feel good...