Robyn's Blog

A blog by Robyn in General

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About this blog

How her stroke has affected our relationship...

Entries in this blog

Thoughts and Prayers...

Shauna's grandfather is in the hospital with pneumonia. He's older...91...lived a good long life, but he's in Texas and she's here and I know she's hurting because she wants to be with him. Shauna was severely abused as a child from her mother, father and brother. At one point her mother shoved a loaded pistol in her face. Mom has a mental illness but unfortunately won't get diagnosed, won't take meds and is very narcissistic and manipulative. No one has ever seriously called her to task.
Robyn

Robyn

8

Another marathon day...

Having kids keeps you hopping but it is really nice now to have a girlfriend/partner who will actively take the kids and do things with them and take the single-parent burden off my back. Especially since their dad has become more useless in that arena. I had a few SERIOUS issues last week and contacted him about them and heard NOTHING in return...NOTHING. I was *beep* yet at the same time, if he tries to argue he should have the kids for full time custody, EVER, I have fuel... And Shauna w
Robyn

Robyn

0

Just a quick check-in...

Howdy folks...I got a PM from someone and decided to check-in and give you a quick update. I hear from Bonnie regularly which is nice.   I am through the half-way point of the spring semester...almost done with my first year here at SIUE. So far so good. Things could be improved in terms of my teaching and I wish I could get more research done...last fall emotionally killed a lot of my momentum...but overall its been a good year here.   The kids are doing great. Margaret is doing violi
Robyn

Robyn

17

A good week...

I've had lots of good revelations this week...spent some time really focusing on the pains I have felt and how to move past them. THe sessions I have been in were wonderful and I found something useful in every session to help me heal more. I can't go into it...too much and probably just too personal to share but I realize that at this point in time I don't have to sit in the place of pain any more. While feeling that hurt and pain may have served me in the first few months after the break up
Robyn

Robyn

4

Peeling back the layers...

I've noticed recently that little by little I am peeling back the layers that are weighing on my regarding the breakup with Jane. I made a huge leap when I sent her stuff back, along with a 4 page letter, and that worked for awhile. But I noticed now that I've become more comfortable with that place, there are still barriers to cross to be at true peace with everything.   I know I am ready and wanting that peace but I'm still struggling with wanting to know WHY things ended as they did...cr
Robyn

Robyn

10

Time Flies...

Can you believe its Christmas already? Unbelievable...where did the year go? Actually, I DO know where it went but it sure went by fast!   I'm happily camped out in the cafe at my retreat house, Kripalu. It's wonderful! It is peaceful, relaxing, quiet...I can have alone time if I want it...I can socialize if I want to. It's all good.   Lots of things have happened this year and I'm trying to take this time to reflect on all I've learned this year and try to move continually forward in
Robyn

Robyn

4

Didja' miss me???!!!

Maybe...maybe not!!! That's OK...I've been very busy...end of semester grading...Thanksgiving holidays. Last I checked in here, my ex had come into town to see the kids. The following weekend I brought them to Albany to visit HIM, then the Wednesday after that we left for Milwaukee to see my sis and her family for Thanksgiving. It was fun and relaxing although I got a speeding ticket driving up to Milwaukee on Wednesday...sigh...80 in a 65, right outside of Springfield, IL. Driving down rt
Robyn

Robyn

13

My Movies List...

Ok OK...here goes...unsure I can remember them all:   African Queen What Dreams May Come Key Largo (YES, I'm a Bogie fan!) Shrek/Shrek 2 The Mad Adventures of Rabbi Jacob (ROTFLMAO!!!!!!) Fried Green Tomatoes It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World Monty Python ANYTHING (Holy Grail, Life of Brian....LOL!) Henry the V (with Kenneth Branagh) Dead Again Sense and Sensibility (with Emma Thompson) A Fish Called Wanda Chaplin (with Robert Downey JR) Anything Harry Potter Anything L
Robyn

Robyn

2

Grownup fun and forgiveness

So this will be my last grownup fun thing to do between now and the end of semester I think. I have happily used my babysitter the last couple of weeks. It has been enormously helpful, enabled me to get out and recapture my social life. Last week a concert, the week before, dinner with friends. This week a concert last night and a formal fundraiser dinner dance tonight (I'm volunteering to support the event). I've enjoyed just stretching my wings a bit.   I had a dream about Jane this we
Robyn

Robyn

2

The largness of life...

I've been going what feels like nonstop for the last week...! I do this...I dive in with two feet then realize that I've crossed the border and adjust back to an activity level that works for me. Its all about the balance in my life. Right now I'm just wiped...spent way too much time having fun...although I needed it, you know. Now I have to really focus on my work and bringing the semester to a close!!! And getting more sleep!   More later!!!
Robyn

Robyn

1

I feel alive again...

...OK...and a little tired too! LOL! Gracious, I had a great weekend with my friend, Roxanne! We met lots of new people and just had a grand time. I realized I need more sleep than I gave myself this weekend, especially since I'm STILL trying to battle off my cold. Guess I'm not as young as I used to be...!   This is all part of the process, right?! Returning to LIVING...enjoying life and being with people and just reconnecting with myself again. It felt glorious...first time in months
Robyn

Robyn

19

...And what about forgiveness

Yeah...been thinking a lot about forgiveness. Wondering when I'm going to be able to forgive Jane for how she has treated me. Part of me wants to...part of me is still angry and bitter and very very hurt. I felt like there were all sorts of promises made, not about things or events, but about commitment and love and devotion and loyalty. I can live with changes in events...but how can you say you love and are committed to someone one day and completely ignore that and not care the next? I m
Robyn

Robyn

17

I'M STILL HERE AND STILL ALIVE!!! LOL!!

Sorry I've been AWOL...I haven't left...Only been SWAMPED visiting with my family and working!   They left yesterday so things are returning to normal and I'll have time to come back and blog and comment on other's blogs!   Missed you all!! Thanks for emailing Phyllis!!!   XOXOXOXOXO
Robyn

Robyn

8

Going to see my Niece!!!

YIPPEE...I don't know if I mentioned here but my sister (age 40) had her first baby about 2 weeks ago. I'm an aunt for the first time! :Clap-Hands: I'm heading up to Milwaukee to cuddle my new niece...Marina Patrice! First I have to pay the bills this morning...then drive about 5-ish hours north. No biggie...its therapeutic! I'll be back home Saturday early evening.   Kids are with dad again this weekend so I have a bit of a break. GOing out for dinner with friends Saturday night and th
Robyn

Robyn

4

Coaching...

My life coach has been invaluable to me. Coaching, for those of you who don't know, is a tool one can use to get guidance and advice about how to manage your day to day life. It is most common in business situations...senior executives use "executive coaches" to help them learn the ropes of what it means to be an executive and help them learn balance in their lives.   So I spoke with my coach today whom I've known for almost a year. She was remarking how much has changed for me in a short
Robyn

Robyn

4

It was a nice relaxing weekend...

I kept things pretty low key...stayed with friends, had dinner out, went to my retreat house for some R&R, took care of affairs at my home... It was just what I needed to keep taking the steps to move forward and heal from this last few months. There were moments of melancholy but less so than I had expected. I think the process I went through the first few weeks after I left her at the rehab hospital and before she made the split final really helped to put me in a good place. It certain
Robyn

Robyn

3

Getting ready for the weekend...

So I'm taking the kids back east to see their dad tomorrow...its a costly trip because I have to fly the three of us from St. Louis to Albany NY...even on Southwest it is $1100 for us to fly. I have to do laundry tonight, grade exams, pack bags... We have an 11:50am flight and should get to NY by 5:30...long day.   Once I drop the kids off with Dad, I'm staying with my friends Josie and Kathy...they are going to take good care of me which I need desperately. Dinner tomorrow evening and a c
Robyn

Robyn

5

A Good Therapy Day...

Had a good meeting with my therapist. Coming to realize there is nothing I could've done differently that would've changed this outcome. I'm not "at fault" for this situation. Not that Jane is "at fault" for having a stroke, because that would be ridiculous BUT the more my therapist and I dug into some of the intimacy issues of my relationship with Jane the more it was clear to me that this really is about her baggage now. Yes, the stroke laid these things bare and revealed them, but otherwi
Robyn

Robyn

6

I'm REALLY NOT CRAZY...

I just spoke with a dear friend, who after me, was Jane's closest friend...at least until recently. I told her what was going on...told her what Jane had said to me last week. SHe was flabbergasted. She said "Robyn, you and Jane were rock solid. There never was a truer, stronger, more loving relationship between two people. It doesn't get any better than what you had." I nearly died when she said that...it meant that what I perceived as our relationship REALLY WAS REAL...I wasn't crazy...I
Robyn

Robyn

6

Putting our lives back together...

So I took the kids camping this weekend...hopefully for some healing time together. It was hard because I had planned an event that Jane had wanted to do...going to the Lincoln Museums and libraries and stuff. She had expressly told me it was something she wanted to do with me and the kids. I had the weekend planned before her call last week. It probably wasn't the wisest of choices on my part but the kids didn't have any idea. It was also tough because the last two times I went camping 1)
Robyn

Robyn

6

Finally put out of my misery...

She called today...its over. Said she doesn't even think of me... Said other things that were hurtful as if I had done something wrong... I spoke with a good friend who knows both of us and she said I've done nothing wrong...that truly this is all about Jane's projections and emotional intimacy problems. And she said she'd ABSOLUTELY tell me if that was indeed the case, that I had messed up in some way. Bottom line, it is easier to blame me rather than to acknowledge she has a ton of baggage
Robyn

Robyn

30

Day 33...So much for success...

He self-destructed in the day care today. He wasn't even there 45 minutes. I pulled him out of that day care and put him another that is smaller and less "open-environment". I'm beginning to think a large part of it may be them, too. They just don't seem to know how to handle him and there is not a lot of structure there. He needs much more structure.   SOOOO...day care situation, take two...we'll see how tomorrow goes.
Robyn

Robyn

0

Day 32...Some success with Sam

A short one tonight but I'm hoping I've cracked Sam's issues a bit. He had a great day today at day care. I got him there around 8am because I had to teach this morning. I got there around 11:30am and spent lunch time with him which is apparently his "stress out" time. I ate lunch with him and his friends at the table...meatloaf, stringbeans, mashed potatoes and fruit...then sat with him as he went down for his nap. He didn't actually fall asleep but he sat on his cot nicely and quietly. I
Robyn

Robyn

7

Day 31...How we learn to cope and find our peace

Yes...a good visit with the therapist today. It wasn't great earlier...Sam had to be picked up from day care because he was hitting again...teachers mostly. He's on probation at day care so I'm trying to find a therapist for him as well as find something that can help him cope when he feels stressed. The most difficult times seem to be around lunch so I'm going to spend lunch time with him every day and see if that helps. Keep your fingers and toes crossed. So Sam had to join me at the ther
Robyn

Robyn

7

Day 29...Packing...

I took off the ring and bracelet she gave me...packed it with other jewelry she gave me and some things of hers that are in my house right now. I'm not leaving, but I'm trying to move forward...not sure if that makes sense. A symbolic gesture but it is enough to move me past the limbo I've been in. In a sense, taking control of my emotional state. If I can stop clinging to those things it enables me to contemplate moving forward and letting go of her if that is what has to happen.   I'm s
Robyn

Robyn

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