Robyn's Blog

A blog by Robyn in General

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About this blog

How her stroke has affected our relationship...

Entries in this blog

Hey Babe!!!

Sorry I didn't chat with you last night. I was just tired...needed to sleep and have some time to myself. I read for awhile which was nice and just went to bed early.   I'm going to admit this has been hard for me. I know, I know...not as hard as what you're going through...I DO understand that. But it has been hard for me, too. Do you remember the one night when I didn't call you back because I figured you were asleep and I didn't want to awake you? Remember how you called me first thi
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Day 14...Some days are easier than others...

I had a good therapy appointment today...dealing with my own demons...trying to figure them out...trying to figure out how to maintain a good attitude even as the waves break over my head and I feel like I'm drowning. As my therapist said, this moment has brought all those insecurity demons up to the surface.   The yoga-sutras talk about "The Witness"...watching your mind and your behaviors and your habits, but not identifying with them. I feel like I've been watching myself, through good d
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Hey Babe!!!

How are you sweetie...almost another week done! YAHOO!!! It must feel so good...almost 2 weeks done...how many more to go? The talk was two months at Spaulding!! Christmas back in Colorado...I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for ya!   I finally got some research done today...it felt good. Juggling a bunch of projects so it was great to stretch my wings a bit. Should have one paper going out under review by end of September and start collecting data on another project also by the end
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Day 13...Sometimes its good to just let go...

Isaak Dinesen said salt water cures everything...whether it is sweat, tears, or the sea. Part of riding the waves and surfing is knowing that its OK to cry when you want to...so I did...and I feel better...   I'm smiling...
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Hey Babe!!!

Hump day, sweetie!!! Wednesday done...two more days to go...so how has your week been? I hope you are just taking it one day at a time. Remember at the rehab hospital we had to remind you to actually slow down a bit!! :hahaha: But actually I'm sure you are working hard and at the pace you need. I'm so proud of you and your fighter attitude!!   I got a violin tonight!!! :Clap-Hands: With Suzuki Violin, they expect the parents to learn along with the kids so I got a full-sized violin to p
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Day 12...Still Surfing...

Today I have the sensation of riding the waves of my life...vascillating between comfort and discomfort. When moments of concern settle back in, I remind myself of the NOW...and what I know NOW...and repeat my comforting mantras. I am getting more comfortable with the uncertainty...I know this is the learning I have to do right now...to not focus on my insecurities but on Jane's needs. Frankly it has become much easier. I can talk to people about what the situation is and why based on what I
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Hey Babe!!!

I'm wiped...Sorry I'm not feeling very profound tonight...just got my period so my body feels like it got beat up. I guess you are probably facing the same deal, eh...yours should be due any moment now. It knocks you for a loop on a good day, let alone with the utter exhaustion you are feeling due to your stroke right now. You have my empathy, my love.   Got a ton of work done today at school which was good. I didn't work out like I thought I would because I was so nauseous and tired this
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Day 11...Still moving...

I finally started to decorate my office at work a bit and decided to put pictures of Jane up in the office. I had been reluctant...thought I'd just burst into tears. But I put them up and it really put me in a good place...memories of what we had and can have again once she heals. OK...I know it won't be the same...nothing ever is, right? But we can have those loving looks and times together again when she has had enough time to recover from this horrific experience. She is strong and I kno
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Hey Babe!!!

Just checking in with you! Long long day today. Up at 6:30...hustling the kids out the door to day care...teaching at 9am. Then I worked from 10-12:00 in my office...then off to run errands. Had to get keys made for the babysitter, then had my coaching call at 1:30...boy oh boy coaching is great!!! I hope it is affordable so I can do this often. Right now the coaching is free but I'm definitely going to continue to do this. The hope is that it is affordable enough I can do this twice a mo
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Day 10...Working on Week #2

I did wake up with a stomach ache this morning but I suspect it had more to do with the chili cheese dog I had for lunch and the slice of yummy pizza I had for dinner... A few TUMS and my tummy ache seemed to evaporate. At 43 I just can't handle that stuff no matter HOW MUCH I love it! :hahaha:   A few worries entered my mind but I settled down...remembered to stay present and to not think about the future because the future doesn't mean anything. What matters is NOW...what I am doing to
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Hey Babe!!!

So...another week ahead of you...how are you feeling about that? What are you working on right now? What are your biggest worries and concerns? What is your biggest fear, my love? Is there anything I can do to help you? I know, right now, you are getting what you want from me but you KNOW that you can ask me for ANYTHING...ANYTHING and its yours!!! If there is anything else you need, please don't hesitate to share it with me. You've always been able to ask and tell me anything...please do
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Day 9...A new day!!

This is the first morning I didn't wake up with that horrible gripping feeling in my stomach of insecurity. Perhaps I was able to stun the demons a bit and keep the focus off of me and on what she needs. I really like Jean's idea of exploring what JANE is thinking/feeling right now rather than just focusing on my issues. I can't stop working on my issues...those HAVE to be dealt with for me to be healthy WITH or WITHOUT her. But since I can't be with Jane and it is hard for me to really unde
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Hey Babe!!!

I wanted to talk a bit earlier tonight. I'm wiped. Will probably sleep early tonight...unusual for me as you know! :hahaha:   Margaret was a bit mouthy today...I don't think she's gotten enough sleep so I'm going to get her to bed early. She 's had some bad dreams the last couple of nights. Its funny...I typically find either one kid or the other in my bed the last couple of days. Bad dreams...waking up early...I think its just new moving anxieties for them...new school, new routine, etc.
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Day 8...Beating back the demons...

Overall I do feel good, but those evil gremlins...the evil demons...come back to haunt me. My fears the relationship is over. My insecurities because this is all unfamiliar ground...nothing to compare it to. In the past as she pulled away, I knew I could count on her returning because she was healthy. But this is all unknown so my demons come out and dance around me, taunting me. I gave in for a while...let myself go there...considered what it would feel like and what I would say if she sai
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Hey Babe!!!

Well...one week down, another 7-ish to go on the Cape!! I hope you are doing well and getting something wonderful out of your therapy there. I hope you are resting and healing as you need to! I think of you all day...in between doing my work of course!!! :hahaha: I look forward to talking to you in a few weeks...   I can't believe its been a year, this time LAST YEAR, we were out on the Cape for your dad's memorial service. I love that picture of us on the sailboat...it is my avatar on thi
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Day 7...A Good Day Was Had By All...

I got to meet with my therapist for the first time today. She is going to work out just fine. I'm thrilled. I shared with her my revelations about being so needy in our relationship and what I wanted to work through by the time I speak with Jane again. So that is what we are focusing on. I'm feeling much more peace every day. I'm trying to rest in the positive...being really joyful in giving her the space she needs. Moments get tough...old anxieties pop out, but I'm working towards good h
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Hey Babe!!!

A short one tonight since we chatted earlier today. I'm feeling wonderful right now...I miss you but yet I feel wonderful. Like I've been able to let go of some crap I've been carrying around...I dunno. I suspect my new therapist will have some insight tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. Thanks for listening though...I appreciate you hearing me out!   Pretty good day today...I remember in moments in the past when I've been overwhelmed I let things pile up and get messy. I decided today th
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Hi Sweetie...

I know I usually talk to you at night but I had to tell you now...I'm Sorry...I'm so very sorry that my own baggage contributed to how you are feeling right now...that you felt I didn't support you. I really get how you would think I was doing stuff for me and not for you. That's been with me all day today. I know, I bring my relationship insecurities...that I kept emotionally reaching and holding on to you as I was leaving...I couldn't bear leaving you... Up until that moment I felt solid,
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Day 6...Still moving!!!

OK...so I miss her A LOT...I feel the absence!!! I'm trying to examine...is it really selfish of me to want and need her in my life? I found myself thinking that this morning when all I could think of was "PLEASE CALL ME!!!" and then I realized it was because that's what I NEEDED, not what she needed and that could be considered selfish, and understandably what she is reacting to along with her old intimacy demons. I'm not trying to say..."It's all my fault" because that was the old doormat R
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Hey Babe!!

Do you have ANY idea how much I love you??? Yeah...I know you do...I love that that is our signature saying to each other...the call I made and the statement I made that opened up the door to the most beautiful 3 years of my life. I miss you...   SOOOOO...you are halfway through your first week at Spaulding...how's it going? What do they have you doing? How are you feeling? How does this experience make you feel???? How is living with your family? Have you been able to make peace with
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Day 5...Yesterday was backwards...today is forward

The ebbs and flows of life are amazing...we ride highs and we hit lows. The human mind, body, soul, psyche is incredibly resilient, even in the darkest moments. Today felt a lot better. I lost it last night...felt INCREDIBLY overwhelmed by EVERYTHING...not just the Jane stuff, but with all the changes in my life ON TOP OF dealing with the love of my life who is in pain and is trying to heal from a devastating experience.   There is a Metta mantra "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may
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Hey Babe!!!

Have I mentioned to you how much I love it when you call me Babe! You've called me that from the beginning and I love it every time you say it!   Tougher time today...I got a bit overwhelmed with all my school stuff and life stuff...worrying about the house back east that hasn't sold yet...about money...about managing the kids on my own...about the unsettledness of my life right now...about the fact NOTHING seems familiar. I know...I know...be present. And I got there...a good cry and send
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Good night Sweet Jane

I've decided since we usually speak to each other before we go to sleep that I'd try to have that dialogue with her here...Her voice was always the last I heard every night...I'm missing that so I hope this will help me cope a bit.   Hi sweetie...how was your day? Mine was pretty good...busy, as it was the first day of teaching at SIUE. I think it went well...I think the students really like me which is good. Now if I can keep up the pace and get the research going so I can secure tenure t
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Day 3...its getting easier but is still not easy..

I'm so busy today...first day of teaching. Adrenalin kicked in and I just performed for them and had them eating out of the palm of my hand. It is all a struggle moment to moment, but as those weak moments come I remember it is still early in the healing process. That despite her anxieties and difficulties sharing her thoughts right now with me, especially on the phone, that she does love me but can't focus on our relationship and my presence is just a reminder to her that she can't be there
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