I had a good therapy appointment today...dealing with my own demons...trying to figure them out...trying to figure out how to maintain a good attitude even as the waves break over my head and I feel like I'm drowning. As my therapist said, this moment has brought all those insecurity demons up to the surface.

The yoga-sutras talk about "The Witness"...watching your mind and your behaviors and your habits, but not identifying with them. I feel like I've been watching myself, through good days and bad, trying to figure out my triggers. Because I am so uncomfortable with uncertainty my mind and my body are CONSTANTLY trying to escape the discomfort. And then what causes me pain are the "escape mechanisms" that I let take over...the hypotheticals that this relationship will be over without giving it a chance to reconnect post-stroke. What would I rather have, discomfort or pain...? Neither, personally, but given a choice, discomfort has to be the way to go, no doubt about it. I'm uncomfortable...I don't know how this stroke has affected her emotionally...I don't know how this will affect us...I don't even know what's going on with her day to day when I USED TO know that...for 3 years I knew that and now I'm shut out and it is excrutiatingly uncomfortable. But I can't sit in a place of pain, not understanding and appreciating what has just happenend to her because if I don't then my insecurities take over... So my learning, that I have to just sit with the discomfort, is what I'm back to. How to do that is the trick.

One thing my therapist suggested is to let what I know intellectually take the lead...I KNOW she has had a stroke...I KNOW this causes emotional upheaval and discontinuity...I KNOW we felt connected in the hospital...I KNOW she loves me because she said so while I was there...I KNOW she is having problems talking on the phone and our relationship is on the phone right now...I KNOW she is an introvert and pulling away is typical for her...I KNOW she needs space right now...I KNOW our relationship was strong before this...I KNOW she didn't ask to break up, ONLY asked for space so that we could each take care of our own stuff...I KNOW she said she was open for working on this once she felt better...I KNOW she is working hard to recapture herself and has lots of UNKOWNS ahead of her...I KNOW SHE IS SCARED AND TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT...I KNOW ALL OF THIS. And I think what I have to do when my insecurities and escape mechanisms and old ugly past hurts and pains and habits come back to haunt me is to reread this list...to remember that I have to be patient and let the process take care of itself...she will heal and then we will talk and work on this... After "Witnessing" myself this week I know this is what works for me and keeps me grounded. On the good days, this helps...on the bad days, I don't do this and I let my fears and insecurities take over. I think this was a good lesson for me to really understand WHY I let the triggers go and what causes the worst waves.

A good week for self-analysis to understand myself...to make myself healthy for Jane. The insecurities HAVE to be wrestled and to do that I have to understand them and how they take over.

For those of you who read this...this is sort of a summary of my lessons learned over the last couple of weeks...a reflection of what I'm doing to make myself whole so I can be ready to be strong for Jane if this relationship is to continue. I'm laying bare my demons, finding the way to internalize and truly wrap myself around what has happened to her and how this has made changes in our life. I accept things will change... I really want to work on it...I just have to give her the space to catch up to me...and I know she will in time.