I know I usually talk to you at night but I had to tell you now...I'm Sorry...I'm so very sorry that my own baggage contributed to how you are feeling right now...that you felt I didn't support you. I really get how you would think I was doing stuff for me and not for you. That's been with me all day today. I know, I bring my relationship insecurities...that I kept emotionally reaching and holding on to you as I was leaving...I couldn't bear leaving you... Up until that moment I felt solid, and calm, and present, but as i was leaving I let Judi get under my skin and it undermined me...my bad. I also realize you felt pressure from me for you to call me every day...because that is what I was used to...because that is what I wanted...I'm sorry. I'm struggling trying to figure out what you need...I get it now.

After I left, my adrenalin high fell hard and my ability to be solid and calm and present evaporated. Not permanently as I've regained it but for those few days afterwards I felt drained...not just because of you but also because of everything I had been going through...job search, moving, traveling, getting the kids...no reserves to tap into...I lost it. They were right, I didn't have the wherewithal to be able to give you the support you needed, i.e., have you stay with me while you healed. And I do need to heal and stabilize and work through back to the strong person I was a few months ago...you need stability and I couldn't offer that.

I have never loved anyone as I love you...and I know you feel and have said the same. I know when I was out there, you felt the connection but didn't want to deal with the pressure and insecurities I had, nor did you have the strength to fight off your OWN demons...your fears of intimacy and vulnerability. Let's both do our work, as we have in the past...know that I am here...I am waiting...I am patient...I support and love you and want only the best for you. I want to be your safe haven...and I can only do that if I am healthy and strong. I'm sorry...I love you!

I'll talk to you later tonight!