OK...so I miss her A LOT...I feel the absence!!! I'm trying to examine...is it really selfish of me to want and need her in my life? I found myself thinking that this morning when all I could think of was "PLEASE CALL ME!!!" and then I realized it was because that's what I NEEDED, not what she needed and that could be considered selfish, and understandably what she is reacting to along with her old intimacy demons. I'm not trying to say..."It's all my fault" because that was the old doormat Robyn who took on the responsibility for everyone else's feelings...I did that in my marriage...took all the blame and I realized that was wrong and foolish. BUT, I know and own that I may have contributed to her feeling so overwhelmed because she means so much to me and I do NEED her in my life. I'm mourning what I am missing... I can see that...I can see how she'd see that. I need to get past this...YES, I need her in my life but I don't want it to be unhealthy. My life WILL go on even if Jane and I end. But she enriches my life and I know I enrich hers...and we are GREAT for each other. We have, in the past, accepted each other's foibles and worked together to be in a healthy place. I'd hate to think that she'd want to end it all without giving us a real chance to work things out. I don't think she will as long as I am working to be healthy as is she.

But she didn't say she wanted to end it...she said she wanted space to deal with her healing. And she asked me to find a way to heal myself. I'm the one that panicked and asked her if she wanted to make this permanent and she said she didn't know...maybe... She didn't offer that, I asked because I wasn't being present and I was worried about the future, not about what she needs NOW. So I really DO have to work on being present...on not worrying about the future because I can't control it, no matter how difficult that is. That's what the therapy and coaching is about. I let my own insecurities out of the bag and that overwhelmed her...she can't deal with me and her simultaneously. So I have to figure out how to keep that under check...thank goodness therapy begins tomorrow.

Still breathing...still feeling good...but still missing her...!! :wub2: