I've decided since we usually speak to each other before we go to sleep that I'd try to have that dialogue with her here...Her voice was always the last I heard every night...I'm missing that so I hope this will help me cope a bit.

Hi sweetie...how was your day? Mine was pretty good...busy, as it was the first day of teaching at SIUE. I think it went well...I think the students really like me which is good. Now if I can keep up the pace and get the research going so I can secure tenure that would be great. Don't want a repeat of RPI, KWIM? Margaret spent the day with me...didn't want to go to the day care center with Sam so that was OK...I let her stay. She had a good day. She's been really strong and helpful. I can't explain it...its been a huge change. Maybe because she realizes I am missing you terribly and am so worried about you...I dunno. But I know she misses you and is sad right now that you aren't feeling well. And she does love you, as does Sam. Sam said to me the other night "Mom, we are running out of time...I want Jane to get better." Its like he knows and he feels what you are going through in some weird way. You've always said you and he had a special bond and I think it is coming through. He keeps asking when we are going to see you again...I told him not for a while because you had to get better. Hopefully that will be true...sometime soon...

I secured a therapist finally, and had my first coaching session with Aruni which was awesome. I will continue this no matter what...it was REALLY helpful and she is wonderful. I think one day that is what I will be doing...but right now I have to heal and focus on so many other things. You've been a wonderful role model in that area...how you've managed your life and your coaching and your career... The therapist sounds like she'll be good...we'll see...first meeting is for free and we'll check each other out and see if it will work. Aruni will manage my spiritual and life/work support, while the therapist will handle my emotional needs, but since she also has an M.Div can respect and reinforce my spiritual needs which is good. Both Aruni and the therapist are "family" so I know that will help, too.

I hope you are getting better...I love you so much. I want so much to love and support you...whatever you need. I've never had to deal with someone who's had a stroke...I'm going to stumble and make mistakes but I only want the best for you. I feel awful that you think I am not supportive of your needs...problem is I'm trying desperately to figure out what your needs are. I'm getting more clarity thankfully. But any mistakes I've made have been done out of love, not malice...you know that. I KNOW you know that and feel it. I told you when I was with you that YOUR job is to get better...that's it...and that our relationship could take a back seat. This isn't EXACTLY what I had in mind as a "back seat" but if that is what you need I give it to you lovingly and willingly...all I want is for you to get better...just get better...

So I will say good night my love...get well...stay strong...have sweet dreams and know in your heart that I love you very very much... I am holding you in my dreams. I'll talk to you tomorrow!

XOXO Robyn