I did wake up with a stomach ache this morning but I suspect it had more to do with the chili cheese dog I had for lunch and the slice of yummy pizza I had for dinner... A few TUMS and my tummy ache seemed to evaporate. At 43 I just can't handle that stuff no matter HOW MUCH I love it! :hahaha:

A few worries entered my mind but I settled down...remembered to stay present and to not think about the future because the future doesn't mean anything. What matters is NOW...what I am doing to help myself...what Jane needs right NOW!!! Yesterday's exercise...putting myself in her shoes...writing it all down...laying it all out there was helpful. It continued to enable me to get out of my own way and really see how tough this is for her. This isn't a normal situation...it isn't PAST relationships and hurts...it is the love of my life HURTING right now and TRYING DESPERATELY to get better.

I was thinking this morning we had both made a lot of "deposits" into our relationship over the last 3 years. The last year I've had to make a lot of "withdrawals"...I was suffering...she was supportive. Now it is her turn to make "withdrawals"...unlimited if need be for the time being. I will quietly and lovingly make the deposits for her so the source is endless. I want to find a way to let her know that without it putting any pressure on her. I'm sure I'll figure it all out...it may just need to be "understood" right now.

I'll be back later tonight to explore what she is going through further...to answer more of the questions Jean posed to me!

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okey doke...I'm really called to exploring what would happen if she couldn't teach or do her coaching any more.

If she couldn't teach or coach any more it would tear her apart. It is her passion as well as her bread and butter. It might also mean she'd be unable to develop the leadership institute she wants to start in Colorado. All the paperwork is set up to do it...and she isn't the executive director, Ann is, but still, it is really all about her vision and its her energy that will drive the organization. If she doesn't have the energy to lead this and add the intellectual and spiritual contribution, it may not sustain as it would be just another organization...not HER vision. What would she do instead...wow...no idea. She is open to medically retiring from her academic job to relieve her job stress which caused the HBP, but if she is severely compromised that might make even doing the consulting which supplements her income impossible. So she is truly focusing on making sure at a minimum she can continue to adjunct and teach on-line, even if she might not want the stress of a regular tenure/tenure track academic job. This way she can still make an income doing the things she REALLY loves without the nasty stress and politics of her job. But if that's not possible...whew...no idea...really. We've never talked beyond that...it was never a consideration. She might become a hermit on her farm...or perhaps, if she can feel up to reconnecting with me, she'd come to depend more on me to help and support her. NOT what she wants for herself right now I'm sure BUT its an option. I don't think she's ready for that...we talked about that upon old age retirement...not now... So she's scared and I'm sure wants to do everything to bring herself back to a productive academic life!