Have I mentioned to you how much I love it when you call me Babe! You've called me that from the beginning and I love it every time you say it!

Tougher time today...I got a bit overwhelmed with all my school stuff and life stuff...worrying about the house back east that hasn't sold yet...about money...about managing the kids on my own...about the unsettledness of my life right now...about the fact NOTHING seems familiar. I know...I know...be present. And I got there...a good cry and sending the kids to bed early did wonders and it allowed me the freedom to just sit here and relax. You know...some days the kids just press all my buttons. I realized one thing at a time would be accomplished and it would all get done. Staying present...and breathing.

I spent time in my office today...for the first time really since I moved here. It felt good...I just needed to sit there...to be a part of it since I have felt so disconnected from everything for a while. I got some work done and met with my TA and another student. Overall pretty productive so that was good. I'm ready for class tomorrow...thankfully I can teach HR in my sleep, you know?!! Kind of like when you teach the leadership class...you don't even really have to think about it...it just is and I'm in the moment and connected to the students.

I was thinking about that discomfort you said you were feeling...truly trying to figure out how that squared with the connection we shared when I was out there. And I realized that that discomfort you felt was in reaction to me but not with the attribution you were giving it. You have always said that you aren't used to feeling vulnerable to someone...weren't used to having someone so intimately entwined in your life. I think that is the discomfort you are feeling...that old issue that when you are healthy, you can work on so you can move to a healthy place. But right now as you are struggling to some clarity through this stroke, you can't tap into the means you have used in the past to squelch those fears and be in that healthy space. You said before and AFTER the stroke that you wanted to move closer to me...I believe truly that is what you may ultimately want...but when you say that, the old demons come up and cause you to panic. You just don't have the emotional wherewithal to battle the demons back...I understand. I know I may have put to much pressure on you to connect, but I was trying to connect with you in a way that represented the intimacy we have shared in the past. I thought giving you solid ground and consistency with the past would help you, not push you away...I guess I was wrong. It caused you to misinterpret my actions...caused you emotional turmoil...not my intent but I can't take it back now. WHEW... We've always gotten through everything with honesty and dialogue...I hope as your head clears and you get more clarity, you and I can talk, and begin anew...even if that means we have to take a ride down memory lane to reestablish the trust and connection we had before...even if that means we have to learn how to battle those demons again...TOGETHER...I'm up for the ride...I hope you will be too!!!!

Good night, sweet angel...I am holding you in my dreams as always! Sending you my love!!!

XO Robyn