The ebbs and flows of life are amazing...we ride highs and we hit lows. The human mind, body, soul, psyche is incredibly resilient, even in the darkest moments. Today felt a lot better. I lost it last night...felt INCREDIBLY overwhelmed by EVERYTHING...not just the Jane stuff, but with all the changes in my life ON TOP OF dealing with the love of my life who is in pain and is trying to heal from a devastating experience.

There is a Metta mantra "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you find peace as you ride the waves of your life" that is repeated in yoga and meditation...a prayer for those of you who are not familiar with eastern philosophies/faiths. I was reminded of that this morning...talk about riding waves...UGH...I feel like a champion surfer and have felt so the last 5 years. It began with 9:10am 9/11/01 and continues to this very moment. Stunning... I actually know I have been riding waves LONG before 9/11 but that is the most VIVID moment for me...the best/worst day of my life that truly changed me, I think for the better...OK...I KNOW for the better. Let's be honest here, eh!

When I went to my first real retreat in January at the Kripalu Center in Massachusetts that was where I really understood what it meant to have a life that comes in waves. I remember one of my first therapists talking about that, but I didn't really get it and he couldn't put it in the spiritual frame that helped me to really internalize it this go around. I understand now that despite all the awful things that had happened to me in the last few years, I knew this was a part of life and I had to learn to deal with it...to be comfortable when I had no control...to try to be in a place of peace, even when I felt like the world was chaotic.

I wrote this poem when, in the early NASCENT stage of my relationship with Jane, she felt the need to put up barriers and cut off communication from me because she couldn't cope...ultimately she realized quickly that wasn't healthy but I understood and accepted it was what she needed to do to allow herself space to welcome me into her life in a healthy way. I feel confident she will return to that healthy place again...I know this in my heart and soul and in the fiber of my very being...and I don't believe it is foolish optimism...it is just what I know...hard to explain. Anyway...the poem is listed in the Inspirational Thoughts and is called "ROLLER COASTER"! http://www.strokeboard.net/index.php?showtopic=6028

It seems I even understood then, in those dark days before Jane emerged from her cocoon, that life was a series of ups and downs...soaring and then grounding...I remember the strength and support I felt at that time. The sense of self that was very strong. I lost that for awhile in those intervening years as I got beat down by RPI and all the crap that happened there...the lack of understanding...the shortsightedness. Now I have a chance to recapture that...WHICH, by the way, I had been working on since January and that retreat, but obviously I need much more work... This is, as I said before, my learning...being patient, being present, learning how to wait and not make it all about me...

I hope the universe is sending this beautiful energy and peace to Jane...how can it not???!!!