This is the first morning I didn't wake up with that horrible gripping feeling in my stomach of insecurity. Perhaps I was able to stun the demons a bit and keep the focus off of me and on what she needs. I really like Jean's idea of exploring what JANE is thinking/feeling right now rather than just focusing on my issues. I can't stop working on my issues...those HAVE to be dealt with for me to be healthy WITH or WITHOUT her. But since I can't be with Jane and it is hard for me to really understand what's going on for her, it makes sense for me to explore what SHE is feeling right now about all sorts of life issues. It'll help me get into her head. Since I know her so well, this won't be too difficult...at least I don't think so! I guess we'll see.

I'm taking the kids to the zoo right now, meeting a friend, but I'll come back tonight to begin to explore this!

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OK...so let's start with what I KNOW about her condition, and what I'm ASSUMING about her condition 5 weeks post stroke. Also, what I know about HER. She is walking with a cane and also walking on her own. She is working on getting full range of motion in her right foot and ankle. While her handwriting is legible, she needs work. 1 week post stroke the NP said she was a 4 out of 5 in terms of range of motion and control in her right hand, but needed to build up strength. She is room independent. Can do all her own personal care and manage her toiletries, etc. including her period.

Cognitively/emotionally it is a bit harder. She tested at the genius level IQ. The speech therapist said she was further along in the speech therapy curriculum than any other patient she had had in the past. As we would walk around outside, she had a hard time recalling the names for things...a tire...a fire hydrant...a tree...a leaf. Once we told her what those things were, it stuck with her. When we asked her how she would drive a car...what were the steps she would take to do that, it was harder but, again, once we worked it through with her she would recall it perfectly the next time we asked her. She seemed distance and flat affect early on...probably from exhaustion mostly. She had her sense of humor and got some degree of sarcasm but got confused easily with too much stimulus. She seemed to be losing much of her fears while sitting in the rehab hospital (she is typically a FEARFUL person but works through it) but it was safe and secure and confined within 4 walls. Leaving that safety, no doubt brought many of those fears up.

Jane is a person who is an introvert and ENORMOUSLY independent. She doesn't like ANYONE taking care of her...sometimes she would let me or her therapist/coach Sandy do that because she had learned to trust us...but it was/is still difficult for her based on childhood issues. Before the stroke she was emotionally strong. She was always willing to work through her issues, personal and professional, and always professed how important it was to "do her work". She is ambitious and works hard...too hard now she realizes. Aside from just receiving tenure at her job at a university, she was also trying to write a book while on her sabbatical, and also get her leadership institute/non-profit organization up and running. To make up for the financial loss of taking a cut in pay on her sabbatical, she took on extra adjunct teaching positions and summer teaching and was working non-stop all summer, even when we were together during our vacation.

She's always felt like an oddball in her family...the family "brain". Went to Mt. Holyoke...the youngest daughter and the 5th of 6 kids. She played mother to her youngest brother, 9 years her junior. They have been, in the past VERY close because the parents just weren't there for them, according to her. Her next oldest sibling is schizophrenic and Jane had to commit him because the rest of the family, including her parents, seemed to be in denial about it at the time. Anti-depression meds and things like that scare her because she thinks she'll end up like her older brother. She moved away for her mental health and rarely went back home because her family always "walked all over her sh*t". Since she and I began dating, we spent much more time with her family...partly due to my encouragement. She began rebuilding her relationship with her current caregiver/sister, also in part due to my encouragement. They have ALWAYS had an estranged relationship. Even now in the hospital, Jane said she was accepting the help but that her sister knew how to push her buttons and she was just figuring out how to let it go for now to get through her healing.

Tonight I'll address what I think her greatest fear is....that she will lose her autonomy and independence. That she will need to have someone monitoring her and caring for her forever. I don't think this will happen, but it is HER fear guaranteed. Next greatest fear is that she will not be able to be sharp enough to continue her academic work as a teacher, which she LOVES, and as a consultant/exec coach. She is willing to walk away from her tenured job and "retire early" if she feels she can't handle it intellectually/emotionally...she recognizes the job/school is a stressor for her. But she is ALIVE when she teaches...it is her passion...her joy in life!!! She doesn't have kids...she has her STUDENTS...that is the relationship she has with them. If she had to stop teaching or stop consulting/exec coaching, she would be devastated both personally and financially.

This, I'm sure, is what is going through her head right now...what if I can't do this...what if I can't teach the way I want to teach any more. What if I can't do the consulting/coaching I love to do? This is her life and she's facing this uncertainty. As a fearful person inherently I'm sure much of her energy, when not working on therapy, is focused on getting herself to the place so these fears don't come true.

That's it for tonight...more tomorrow!!