Today I have the sensation of riding the waves of my life...vascillating between comfort and discomfort. When moments of concern settle back in, I remind myself of the NOW...and what I know NOW...and repeat my comforting mantras. I am getting more comfortable with the uncertainty...I know this is the learning I have to do right now...to not focus on my insecurities but on Jane's needs. Frankly it has become much easier. I can talk to people about what the situation is and why based on what I've learned about the experiences of stroke survivors and I can tell my attitude has changed in the last week and a half. It really isn't about my needs...its about HER needs and the situation doesn't feel HOPELESS and PERSONAL...it feels realistic and manageable from my end. That doesn't mean the "evil demons" don't come dancing back...because those are part of the waves of my life...but it means I am able to beat them back :bop: more readily when they try to taunt me. And it is easier now because I'm really internalizing what SHE needs now that I understand those needs and her situation a bit more.

There is an ancient Sanskrit word discussed in the Yoga-Sutras called Samskaras...literally it means seeds, but really they are the RUTS we have ingrained in our life...the old way of doing things and the habits and patterns we have built to deal with our pains. We follow the same patterns dealing with our stressors and the like. True insight and learning comes when we face those "Samskaras" and work to fill in those ruts and develop new paths to deal with the stressors in our lives. Essentially that is what I am doing right now. Beating back my insecurities is part of battling my Samskaras...going to therapy and coaching is helping me rebuild new, healthy paths. The discomfort will lessen as I learn new paths and new habits to remain healthy and whole. Friday's work in therapy is trying to figure out the source of those insecurities...should be interesting!!!

I got an email from a dear friend this morning who knows all of the stuff going on in my life...here is what she said...

Pema Chodron is an American Buddhist nun with some words of wisdom that I find

helpful and think you may also. From her book, "Comfortable with Uncertainty":

...Perhaps nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Maybe the

only enemy is that we don't like the way reality is NOW and therefore wish it would go away

fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught

us what we need to know. Even if we run a hundred miles an hour to the other side of the

continent, we find the very same problem awaiting us when we arrive. It keeps returning

with new names, forms, and manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us.

Where are we separating ourselves from reality? How are we pulling back instead of opening

up? How are we closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever

we encounter?

That statement sort of sums up how I am feeling right now...that as hard as this is, yes, it is harder for Jane but this also poses an opportunity for me to fix my Samskaras and make myself whole...or MORE whole at least!!! I've been trying to work on this for four years and now it is here staring me in the face and it needs my attention, wholely and completely!! I am opening up...I am recognizing my pains but not letting them control me...I am opening myself up to more fully understand what Jane is experiencing so I can be ready and waiting for her with a full heart that is understanding and willing to do what it takes to help her heal. I'll probably have a bit more clarity in a few weeks when I talk with her, but until then I am riding the waves and surfing like a pro!!!...I can taste the salt water and I feel alive!!