So I took the kids camping this weekend...hopefully for some healing time together. It was hard because I had planned an event that Jane had wanted to do...going to the Lincoln Museums and libraries and stuff. She had expressly told me it was something she wanted to do with me and the kids. I had the weekend planned before her call last week. It probably wasn't the wisest of choices on my part but the kids didn't have any idea. It was also tough because the last two times I went camping 1) I was with the kids and Jane had just had her stroke...I wanted to be with her and I couldn't as I was 2000 miles away from her. 2) the time before I was camping to go back east and meet the kids and it was the last sane, loving conversation I had with her...I remember lying in my tent, talking into the night about our plans and how much we loved each other and how she had talked to our friend out there about me buying property in Cortez CO once my house back east sold. So I was stuck with those images and then all the replaying of our conversation the previous Thursday. So it was tough, but I know each day it is getting a bit easier. One day it will just be a faint memory...I know...it just doesn't feel that way right now.

We did have fun, until this morning...Margaret got whiney and when I finally got her straightened out, Sam chipped in and started. Earlier in the weekend, Margaret was making a list of people in her family and said "I'm not going to include Jane in our family any more, OK?" I said, "I understand, sweetie, Jane has decided she doesn't want to be a part of our family so that's fine." Then she said "What would happen if Jane wanted to come BACK to our family?" I said "What would you want?" She said "I'd want to have her back, I love her and miss her." I said "Well, I understand but Jane said some mean things to me that hurt my feelings and I don't know if I'd trust her again. But we can see if that happens..." (not that I'm counting on it but I'm trying to not sound mean or hateful to my daughter).

So as Sam now has his turn to explode as we leave the restaurant we're eating at, he starts to say "I miss my other mom...I miss Jane" and he's crying. Needless to say, after a long weekend and a long morning dealing with my daughter I am reduced to a pool of tears. I gather myself and get on the road when Margaret asks me if I have Jane's address, where she is now. I said "I do...WHY?" "Because I want to write her a letter and tell her how much she has hurt our feelings that she doesn't want to be in our family. I'm mad that she hurt you and makes you cry. I want her to call me so we can talk about it. Maybe that will help things." (Talking things out is something Jane worked on with Margaret...go figure) So I said "I don't know if that will change things but I think you have the right to tell Jane how you feel." So she plans on writing a letter some time soon and then I'll put it in the box with the things I'll return to Jane. She may read it...she may not...it might affect her in some way...but it probably won't. But at least Margaret will have the opportunity to express her feelings which is important.

Sam was better later on but I think these bouts will happen from time to time until enough time has passed and she fades from memory. I've gotten rid of pictures in the house so I think that will help both kids out to some extent, along with me too, obviously.

I am pained by what my kids are going through. We trusted her...we had spent the last 7 months before her stroke really building our family. We had done a lot together the four of us and Jane had finally embraced being a step mom. She prided herself on learning how to engage the kids...prided herself in helping Sam learn how to eat carrots...played with us, camped with us, swam with us...

I'm trying to understand this...I just don't...I WANT to understand how she can just walk away without a backwards glance...with no regrets...it is cold and heartless and cruel...to me...to my kids. How can someone I love(d) do this??? How did I miss this part of her? I don't know...

So we are rebuilding...step by step...little by little... But how do I continue to protect my kids from this hurt? Is it even possible?