I am finding now that the end of the day is much better/easier than the beginning. Don't know why...I'm CONFUSED...it used to be harder to actually sleep at the end of the day, now it is hard to wake up and get moving. Nausea is still there even though I am eating...I'm trying to gain some control over that with breathing and centering. Note to self: Take Cymbalta AFTER you brush your teeth so you don't spit the pill up...sigh... I guess when I have the day to work on being present it is easier by the end of the day to just relax. But when I wake up, I am hit with the realization that it is not July 16th, it is September 5th and its been almost 7 weeks since she had her stroke...things are different now...REALLY different. It takes me a while to get my bearings, but once I'm going, I'm going. I know this is depression tugging at me so I'm resisting it and pushing myself rather than succumbing. It worked this morning...I just scolded myself and pushed through it.

I joined the Y awhile ago...wanted to start exercising and just couldn't get the energy over the last 3 weeks. I joined a Pilates class and I just said "I'm not wasting the money...I'm going to go if it kills me!" I forced myself to go today. It felt good to just move my body and remove some of the nervous energy. I'm feeling more called to do my yoga and pilates again. Don't know when I'll pick the yoga up but I am hearing it call me. I think I just need to sit and listen for awhile...see how that goes. The meditation helps at one level but I think I'm finding it isn't enough...I need something else. I started thinking about that after reading Cope's book "The Wisdom of Yoga"...as one of the character's yoga and meditation practice deepened, they were able to make peace with many things. I'm thinking I have to continue to dig deeper through more yoga practice as well as the meditation.

I'm home now...going to do some research and writing...pushing forward to get work done...it is imperative I don't lose this momentum! So I will just do it! With or without Jane, this is a priority. WIthout getting tenure I'm SUNK in academia...

I'm worried about my coach...we were supposed to chat yesterday and I didn't hear from her. Her mom was being operated on last week and I'm afraid something bad happened...I called her to offer my support and to just have her call me when she can! Hopefully I'll hear soon from her!

I think I'm in the mood for sushi for lunch...mmmmmmmmm...its been a while since I actually craved food so I guess this is a good sign...plus I'm starving!!!

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Sushi lunch was good...with miso soup...I feel VERY healthy! Dinner was good too...PAPA John's pizza...I had 3 slices. More than I've eaten in weeks. I've lost about 23 pounds since the beginning of July...sigh...not a good way to lose weight I'm afraid so now I'm trying to up the exercise and increase the eating to stabilize my weight. Day by day, right?!! Getting strong...!

I got two books in the mail today by Pema Chodron...Comfort with Uncertainty and When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. I can't wait to dig in!!!